Mozza (2)

[Mozza]

By the way, sandi2, what did you think of my clarifications on the boundaries. Is it about controlling her?

I appreciate your clarifications. It appears to me that you may not fully grasp the concept that you cannot create boundaries to control her actions and whip her into doing things your way.

Thanks a lot. I think I understand better, but I admit I'm puzzled about what I'm supposed to accept. It seems like she can impose many joint decisions, such as kids schedule. Perhaps I'm just referring to the wrong concept for certain things.

My question to you is what will be your action to these things you listed if she chooses not to honor your boundaries? If she says, "No, I won't let the son have lunch with you during my week with them", how does this violate a personal boundary? What action would you take? Unless you can say how it violates your boundary, then it's simply your personal disapproval of her actions.

Boundary-setting:
- Finding alternative parking for stroller. She snoops on me twice a day when dropping it off (and there's some cake-eating in preserving access to 'our' place). It violates my desire for privacy at my home. I guess I could lock my backyard door, but I can't imagine we'd get there.
- Returning the rest of her stuff left in my apartment. She uses my apt as a storage space and having her control when she gets what is affecting me (I cry (alone!) almost every time she asks for something). What would I do if she refused? It's hard to imagine she would turn it down. I could leave it on the sidewalk, but again our separation is not so acrimonious.

Not boundary-setting?
- Insisting to have D6-D3 for dinner on Mondays. Early on, we made a quick arrangement that we'd split the kids 50/50 on a weekly basis. I was later counseled that 7 days is a long time for D3, so I tried to get ad hoc permissions for Monday dinners. She said no last time. I want to discuss a rearrangement of the schedule to get this lunch on the official schedule. If she says no, then I'll have to accept it despite the theoretical impact on D3. I would request it in some divorce settlement though.
- Sticking to the godmother we chose together for D6. The present godmother is just fine and the proposed one is not a stable presence in my W's life, just a strong supporter (enabler) right now, after years of falling out. She's also not a model I approve of, despite many qualities. If my wife goes ahead anyway, my action would be not to inform the current godmother that she's lost the title.

Do the DB principles mean that she can control the kids schedule and godmothership at will? It seems normal that I let her have full control of herself, but that I have a say on the kids. I'm sorry I haven't gotten to that point in DR yet. I'm sure it will become clearer then.