moving with confidence to success!

[rj2]

Venting time for me.. am really confused and spun.
Didn't sleep well last night b/c I am worried about the sex comments H made. Help, need support... bigtime.. I think he did feel reasonably serious about the non-manogomy thing- and this is what is messing with me. I have like 100 thoughts running through my head and this is a big spin for me..

I feel confident that if I move back with him, he will likely recommit- but there's a good chance he might want the non-manogomy thing as a condition. All the sudden I am transported back to WAW mode thoughts, like I was in the beginning.. ( I intially left H b/c he didn't care if we stayed together. ) And I ask myself why would I want him sleeping around? Why wouldn't I want more respect for myself from whomever I was with. If I move back in with him and get re-attached and he is with other women, wouldn't my sitch be much more difficult for me than if I make a break now? (hey I'm providing insight on WAW alien mode here, aren't I?) I'm just freaking out big time- does anyone see that these comments of H's are the alien more or less? I will outline all the comments from the convo. The convo lasted for 30 minutes! He focused on it a lot- WTF!!

-H has only had this idea in his conciousness(so to speak) for a couple weeks,"really occured to him in the last few days."
-H has not had sex and been lonely since Jan since we are S, so he admits that's why he talking/thinking about it so much
-H will be travelling a lot in his career and have that type of lifestyle around him (rock musician)- so that is why he would like to partake occassionally. H thinks it's not fair to resist basic male sex drive
-H said it was only 10% of his thoughts and it would especially come up if he's away on tour for months and was out of the country or something. H admitted he "is not a sex monger, and doesn't want to run around getting women pregnant- For example on his last trip, he didn't have the urge at all. It's not like he's 18 anymore "
-H said he doesn't want relationships or affairs with people, he just wants "one-night stands" if he sees a woman who looks hot- he'd want to be able to go for it.
-H said he felt that I would always be the one in his heart, I would be the only one he'd make love to(these others would be casual sex one time) and that means he's not emotionally cheating on me- and that is the most important part
-H says he thinks sex is more exciting and has had more fun with me if he doesnt think of me as a "wife" , but a fun, cool chic- He has preconceptions here, huh
-H recognized that I might not feel happy with this arrangement- said he is unsure of our M, and this is one of the things he is unsure of, that if it would mean monogomy, would he want to be M ... H said that I should not sublimate my needs for him, if this is something I wouldn't want- then maybe I wouldn't want to be with H either.. (he hinted at that last part)
-H said it would go both ways, that it would mean I would get to have one-night stands too.
-H seemed like he might perhaps be open to my input- i.e that I would let him if I was involved too or something!?! (Yeah, I like excitement in my life, but this may be too much- wow.)
-At least H is being upfront and honest about it. He seemed to be taking my suggestions/input on things in some consideration.
-H has not gotten the chance to do this in the past when he was younger, he's never had a one-night stand, and I have been the main person he's been with for 10 years since he was early 20's- "wild oats"
-H mentioned that next week, him and a buddy from the band invited 2 strippers over(friends of the buddy), they are making songs for the strip club and the naked girls are their inspiration - hinted with a smile that he is just enjoying the perks of being a musician(like since I'm an artist, too - if I got a naked male model to draw) He didn't say they wanted to have sex outright-- is he testing me or is this just his lovely mode of thinking right now, you know!!

It's almost like I have to just take a chance and see what happens, if this does turn out to be true or not? Maybe it would be more solid in my mind about whether this would work out if I try the "trial period" too.. Funny I can see past all the other alien junk except this one.. he sure had a lot to say about it, like he really thought it through!!!!! I guess too- if this is a serious ongoing need of H's, I don't know that I could happily fulfill that for him/accept that. Every other issue about M he has, I can accomodate(i.e. more space, personal freedom in daily schedule, etc.....) Wow. I guess he feels he needs more fullfillment in this dept, for sure-- I have started to approach this more lately... Maybe if I make it exciting enough, like I'm the OW -- can I really keep this up forever, to A /one-nighter proof my M? Does anyone have insights for me? Crazy...

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