Wow, This is all so very awesome! Im very happy for you and it seems like everything you are doing is paying off big time! I wouldnt worry too much about the sleeping around topic yet. It sounds like alien talk to me, like he is scared to commit right away and doesnt want you to get your hopes up too high. Keep things going and Im sure he will just want you .
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
Venting time for me.. am really confused and spun. Didn't sleep well last night b/c I am worried about the sex comments H made. Help, need support... bigtime.. I think he did feel reasonably serious about the non-manogomy thing- and this is what is messing with me. I have like 100 thoughts running through my head and this is a big spin for me..
I feel confident that if I move back with him, he will likely recommit- but there's a good chance he might want the non-manogomy thing as a condition. All the sudden I am transported back to WAW mode thoughts, like I was in the beginning.. ( I intially left H b/c he didn't care if we stayed together. ) And I ask myself why would I want him sleeping around? Why wouldn't I want more respect for myself from whomever I was with. If I move back in with him and get re-attached and he is with other women, wouldn't my sitch be much more difficult for me than if I make a break now? (hey I'm providing insight on WAW alien mode here, aren't I?) I'm just freaking out big time- does anyone see that these comments of H's are the alien more or less? I will outline all the comments from the convo. The convo lasted for 30 minutes! He focused on it a lot- WTF!!
-H has only had this idea in his conciousness(so to speak) for a couple weeks,"really occured to him in the last few days." -H has not had sex and been lonely since Jan since we are S, so he admits that's why he talking/thinking about it so much -H will be travelling a lot in his career and have that type of lifestyle around him (rock musician)- so that is why he would like to partake occassionally. H thinks it's not fair to resist basic male sex drive -H said it was only 10% of his thoughts and it would especially come up if he's away on tour for months and was out of the country or something. H admitted he "is not a sex monger, and doesn't want to run around getting women pregnant- For example on his last trip, he didn't have the urge at all. It's not like he's 18 anymore " -H said he doesn't want relationships or affairs with people, he just wants "one-night stands" if he sees a woman who looks hot- he'd want to be able to go for it. -H said he felt that I would always be the one in his heart, I would be the only one he'd make love to(these others would be casual sex one time) and that means he's not emotionally cheating on me- and that is the most important part -H says he thinks sex is more exciting and has had more fun with me if he doesnt think of me as a "wife" , but a fun, cool chic- He has preconceptions here, huh -H recognized that I might not feel happy with this arrangement- said he is unsure of our M, and this is one of the things he is unsure of, that if it would mean monogomy, would he want to be M ... H said that I should not sublimate my needs for him, if this is something I wouldn't want- then maybe I wouldn't want to be with H either.. (he hinted at that last part) -H said it would go both ways, that it would mean I would get to have one-night stands too. -H seemed like he might perhaps be open to my input- i.e that I would let him if I was involved too or something!?! (Yeah, I like excitement in my life, but this may be too much- wow.) -At least H is being upfront and honest about it. He seemed to be taking my suggestions/input on things in some consideration. -H has not gotten the chance to do this in the past when he was younger, he's never had a one-night stand, and I have been the main person he's been with for 10 years since he was early 20's- "wild oats" -H mentioned that next week, him and a buddy from the band invited 2 strippers over(friends of the buddy), they are making songs for the strip club and the naked girls are their inspiration - hinted with a smile that he is just enjoying the perks of being a musician(like since I'm an artist, too - if I got a naked male model to draw) He didn't say they wanted to have sex outright-- is he testing me or is this just his lovely mode of thinking right now, you know!!
It's almost like I have to just take a chance and see what happens, if this does turn out to be true or not? Maybe it would be more solid in my mind about whether this would work out if I try the "trial period" too.. Funny I can see past all the other alien junk except this one.. he sure had a lot to say about it, like he really thought it through!!!!! I guess too- if this is a serious ongoing need of H's, I don't know that I could happily fulfill that for him/accept that. Every other issue about M he has, I can accomodate(i.e. more space, personal freedom in daily schedule, etc.....) Wow. I guess he feels he needs more fullfillment in this dept, for sure-- I have started to approach this more lately... Maybe if I make it exciting enough, like I'm the OW -- can I really keep this up forever, to A /one-nighter proof my M? Does anyone have insights for me? Crazy...
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Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
Wow, I'm really happy for you! You worked so hard at this, you deserve it. I can't wait to see a post from you saying that you're completely back together for good.
Posted to your old thread. Feeling very happy for you. He may really want to explore an open marriage type thing...but I don't think you need to spend time worrying about that too much. Remember, he THINKS he is giving up his freedom. But you know...and we know...that his freedom has not been all that much fun!
I don't want to minimize your concerns. But nobody, not even your h, knows for sure what the future holds. Do you want to miss this opportunity to TRY to make your M work? Because that is the only guarantee that you have that you won't get into that situation with your h.
Take it slow. He certainly isn't going to run out as soon as you return. If he does, he will really, IMO, just be acting out. You have come too far to start freaking now.
You can set the tone of this new relationship. Keep him guessing and far too busy thinking about you. Yes the thong. I really think you can take this slowly. You have become very good at reading him. Stay busy. Don't go to all his gigs. And when it seems to be getting stale shake him up every now and then.
He wants a one nighter? Try different ways to become his one night stand. Call him up and tell him you will be at such and such bar and that he better get there if he wants to make sure you go home with him...then be there talking to guys and let him pick you up!!! Maybe even do this on a night that one of your gf's is out of town...ask her if you can use her place for a quickie with your h...then take him back there!
You are inventive. You will come up with ways to tease him and keep him interested. Let him chase. I know how scary this must be for you. But you got the stuff gal!
Just make sure that your settling in together doesn't feel too much like the same old thing. You worked so hard on changing yourself. Keep a hold on that and get to know your INDEPENDENT self even better.
You KNOW we are all in your corner. Lots of love and lots of opinions! We will follow your progress and learn from all that you care to share with us.
Ok, Rj2, you need to slooooooow down! It's good that you are thinking these issues through and you have some good insights here, but you are getting way ahead of yourself.
First things first. You are going to move back in w/H...YEAH!!! This will give you so much opportunity to Db your butt off (i.e. wearing thong around the house). I would concentrate on this first and foremost. My advice here is to not make a big deal of it in front of H. Just have an "as if" attitude...be happy and fun.
Once you get moved back in, you can adjust to the dynamics that are happening. You can slowly start to work out these issues together. Don't go borrowing trouble right now. He hasn't done anything yet...it's all just talk. Don't squander today by worrying about tomorrow. Just get yourself moved and let's see what happens.
I bought the CD series "Light His Fire" by Ellen Kriedman (they have a website) and it has some really good ideas about affair-proofing your M and being your H's lover again. Also, sometimes these sexual ideas are fantasies and they never happen in reality. My H has often talked about bringing in another woman for some fun (I think it is every man's fantasy) and I play along with it. I think it really turns him on when I tell him what I would do with her and some of the scenarios that I'd like to play out. If you met me, you would think that I'm the last person that would talk about a threesome and wear a thong around the house. I wear business suits during the day and my attire and demeanor are very conservative. I would absolutely die if my H really brought someone home, but I play along anyway and it excites him. So maybe the fantasy sets them free so that they don't have to act it out in reality.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Quote: He wants a one nighter? Try different ways to become his one night stand. Call him up and tell him you will be at such and such bar and that he better get there if he wants to make sure you go home with him...then be there talking to guys and let him pick you up!!! Maybe even do this on a night that one of your gf's is out of town...ask her if you can use her place for a quickie with your h...then take him back there!
You are inventive. You will come up with ways to tease him and keep him interested. Let him chase. I know how scary this must be for you. But you got the stuff gal!
Just make sure that your settling in together doesn't feel too much like the same old thing. You worked so hard on changing yourself. Keep a hold on that and get to know INDEPENDENT self even better.
hey everyone thank you SO much for your encouraging responses....
Christine, you're right about how nothing has happened yet, I shouldn't worry about things that "could be" even if H talks of them, could be more his 'talk'. This is an issue of his that has come up recently- it's like he's grasping at the last possible straws to prove being M is undesirable. He has nothing against me as a person anymore, and loves me- but has his "freedom" issues, and the fear of me having expectations of him or something. I don't know what's going to happen with his comments, but I do know what I can do to put my best face forward and influence the future positively for me. I must continue to know and believe that I am a very attractive, sexy person and love to have fun/ create thrills and excitement.. If H wasn't so BLIND he would've seen that by now- but I guess I have to try extra hard and monitor based on his mood. Sometimes he completely ignores it, like he's totally turned off to me- He seemed to tell me last night that what made him more excited was that I wasn't his "wife"-- and that's what he would like about other women. Like his mindset has to be different about it, but he was vague about how that could happen for sure, and acted like it's only b/c we're "not together" he felt that way. Whatever. Maybe that's the "discontent" that is still sparking off it's irritations toward me. Alien, likely.... Less talking, more doing- duck tape H's mouth shut!
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
More steps since my last post!! H has increased contact since he invited me to move back!
Thursday- H calls me at night,"for no reason, just to see what's up" I missed call and he got VM. Earlier in the week, I told H I was not avail Thurs night--(checking up on me, huh?! )
Friday afternoon- H calls me at work, "I tried to call you last night where were you?" Tells me stuff about his family history(as if I'm part of the family), and shares the news of his audition time coming up (April 20) Tells me more detail stuff, like if I see a certain ph# on the phone, I'll know that's for him(already acting like we're living together!)
Friday night- I am late coming to H's show....I look super hot and sky high PMA- he asked where I was! Was expecting to see me sooner. He treated me just like good old times at the show.. I acted independent and chatted with tons of people-felt my light in the room/magnetic (well this is the true happy me!) I was on the guest list, H asked me to bring him smokes when he was on stage and help carry his gear. I took it a step further and brought the guys water too(and handed out fliers for the show earlier in the day.) This stuff is huge- only girlfriends do this stuff) Had an amazing time and then H motions for me to come and meet people he's talking to. Then H introduces me to the other band as "his wife R" and "his old lady R" TWO times in one night he does this!!(And he says it in a proud, happy way) (And it was after one band guy told H I was hot that he blurts this out!! Hmm, is H really gonna want to share me-this cool, fun, hot chic who everyone likes(non-manogomy- lol) Then he asks me for a little cash for band fund, as if our money is together- something we haven't done in MONTHS) Brags about me to people a couple times, how I am artist and designed my tattoo, how I have martial arts skills, I'm good. Amazing time, just like we were together, I'm one of the gang and we had a blast! At the end of the night we have a nice hug at our cars and he thanks me for coming, I tell him it was great show! He will call sometime soon most likely.
I know it will be no time before we are "officially" together now!! Who wants to place bets on how long it will take him after I move in- one day, one week?! I am getting very, very close..... hahaha! I will keep up my independence, bit of 'distance' for sure. Let him keep pursuing me!!
Last edited by rj2; 03/13/0410:10 PM.
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
Maybe I shouldn't be as concerned about the alien/crazy talk, huh?
Possible it could just slip away in time. Just words. I'll have to keep looking at the positives and see H's daggers as the "discontent" that is coming out and will flow away.
Last edited by rj2; 03/13/0409:59 PM.
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
Quote: Then H introduces me to the other band as "his wife R" and "his old lady R" TWO times in one night he does this!!(And he says it in a proud, happy way) (And it was after one band guy told H I was hot that he blurts this out!!
