Wife in denied but ongoing affair, what to do???

[blndsid]

I do get the feeling I am missing something. I read DB but I'm sure I glazed over parts. Knowing how I learn, a re-read will be in order. An emergency re-read at this point. When I learn to fix a car I do best to read about it, then work on it, then re-read the manual to really grasp the concepts.

My mindset with my changes has been that I will be a better dad and husband/boyfriend in the future and learn from what my W has expressed to me. I don't want or intend to go back to where I was before. Whether with her or someone else. My employment to a "real job" appears to be a major factor, but that 180 takes more time and I had been looking for months before any of this hit the fan.

My concern is that there is something more sinister going on with my W. She's acting like a drug addict in regards to these OM. It appears she uses sexting to work herself up on brain chemicals and adrenaline. Add her prozac, nicotine patches (2 a day habit), alcohol when not at work, and the sneaking around factor. It appears to me this has ramped up over the last few weeks, including bringing in OM 2 and 3 to meet her needs. OM1 is married with children and thus can't be on-call outside of work. At what point do you have to step in and do something to intervene with destructive behavior? OM8, 9, or a drunk driving arrest or car accident? It's very Jekyll and Hyde.

I didn't file D because I want scorched Earth, although that is what could happen. I did it because I can't live like this, watching what is happening to my W and the kid's mother. My other attempts to confront or go to counseling have been fruitless or made matters worse. I'm sure her mother doesn't know all of this, and her father knows none of it. However DB seems against exposure. The D will force exposure, whether good or bad.

Filing for D was my attempt to make a final stand. I still have to serve her the papers, and I have written a letter apologizing for anything I did to push a wonderful person to this point. I'm basically telling her I never wanted D, I'm sorry, and she is free to go if that's what she wants. At the end I wrote that if she wanted to work on a new marriage with a new husband and new wife, that I would work to that goal. From this day forward, keeping the lessons but putting the past behind.

Any outside thoughts are welcome. I hope to slow play the D and hope it gets her attention about my refusal to be in an open marriage. Discussing R outside counseling has led to more bitterness or spite, and she sees counseling as pointless. I'm still going to counseling for me.