I feel like we've crossed a threshold this week and are really in piecing. As in, H is actively working on the marriage, not just saying that he wants it to work.
For the first time in a LONG time (even before the S), I told H I needed something and he wasn't defensive. He didn't tell me he was doing the best he could. He didn't say, "I'll do it, but I don't want to." He said, "Yes, I can commit to that."
The backstory: Friday night was "my" night with D7 and we decided to throw a Halloween party for some of her friends before trick or treating. I had discussed this with H a few weeks ago and he said that D7 asked him to stay at his house and hand out candy. I asked if he felt left out and he said no, so I decided not to invite him to the party. However, earlier this week I found out that D7 had invited him and he was planning to come -- which left me in a bit of a pickle.
On the one hand, I wanted him there. I want us to be a family and spending the holidays together is an important part of that, and I didn't want D7 to miss seeing H on Halloween if possible. However, I also know that one of my triggers is feeling ignored by H in social situations. I didn't want his presence to turn my GAL activity into a reminder of how much I've been hurt by him in the past. I didn't want to have to work hard to enjoy my own party.
So, I asked him if he could work on showing me that he is committed by making me feel like I was the most important (adult) person at the party. I was prepared to draw a boundary and ask that he stay home as we had originally discussed if he said he couldn't do that.
But, he said yes. Without any hesitation. And he followed through. It wasn't amazing and it wasn't 100% of what I want, but it was leaps and bounds beyond anything I've gotten from him in a long time, probably close to a year.
We had lunch yesterday and he is just sounding so much more positive. He picked up on the same refrain from the MC, that we'll stumble but if we keep working we will make progress. He is starting to come out of his shell and tell me what he needs from me, other than space. I'm going to come back and post later when I have a little bit more time, because I may need some help figuring out how to demonstrate 180s.
