Wife Still in MLC but has now left #6

[AJM]

AJ, you are spot on about trying to compensate with the kids for their mother pretty much just pushing them out of her life. I would try so hard to find things, anything, that my W would do together as a family but she never seemed to want to or was always "too busy" or too tired. I thought it was part of her depression, not a choice she was making because of her MLC. (Of course I didn't know about MLC back then). After B-day whenever she would do something as a family and she seemed to enjoy it, she would end up spewing at me later and saying how she "had" to get away from me. Still don't understand that. As time goes on I'm sure things will start to become easier.

The reason may never be known, Matt, but I do know that I loved hearing that she "had" to get away from you because I heard similar; it describes the fight or flight that's going on in her head as much as anything.

What you do know is that she doesn't want the same things you want any longer, in the same you want. I.e. you strived to create the family you wanted - you assumed that when she didn't want to participate you needed to pick up the slack.

What you may have missed is that her picture of the family is not the same as yours. Broken? Perhaps. Different? Very much so. I doubt in the end she will think her idea was the wrong one when it came to family. She may very well have a picture of you that says you are doing it "wrong" in her view. You'll never know for sure.

What you also know is that she once shared the same values you have. What you also know is that just because she couldn't live that way any longer, you are by no means off the hook for your values

I've been there Matt. It's difficult to see the forest for the trees, let alone figure out what kind they are. At the end of the day, you are the parent that didn't push the kids away. You are the less broken parent in that regard (by normal parenting philosophy in our day). Keep that in mind. She pushed them away and may not think she did. You saw her do things you know as "wrong" (and conventional norms think of as wrong for that matter). She left. Long before she left, she was already leaving and you tried to compensate in the way you knew how. That likely happened almost imperceptibly to you both. Normal relationships ebb and flow, so you likely didn't think it would come to this (although you may have wished for it a time or two, no?)

To be honest, the label "wrong" or "right" really only matter to the person applying them when it comes to relationships. But there are "norms" and right or wrong for how to treat a partner or family member. We learn those from our family growing up. I wonder what your ex learned as "normal"? i.e. I wonder if she has a broken pattern to gauge normal by?

You get a break from that now, Matt, don't you? You still have the responsibility of the kids and seem to take that on willingly. I applaud that, but be careful that you don't over compensate for her lack of participation. That can be deadly to a family as well.

The balance you're seeking is the balance of parenting without the other participating. You've been doing that for so long already, you would think the transition would be easier. For some reason, it's not but it will be faster than many. As you step back further from the B-day, it gets clearer and easier. As you stop hoping she'll see the damage, it will become clearer and clearer, faster and faster.

I know it has for me.

Let us know how the interview goes. We're rooting for you!

AJ