Quote: when he initiated, I shut my mouth (I visualized duct tape) and listened very carefully to what he was saying. I didn't become defensive of anything and I didn't try to convince him of anything with my words (very hard for me because I can be quite verbose). Usually, if I let him talk through his feelings, he would start to say things that were contradictory, but I never pointed them out to him. Many times I would just smile at him with all the love that I felt inside. I knew that he had to work things through on his own. I wasn't going to help him make the D decision. Sometimes I think that they want it to be a mutual decision, but I always expressed to H that I was hoping that we could work things out...even though I understood his decision to leave.
My H isn't a talker- which is where I get a little unsure- I never bring up R talk . What usually happens is H will drop a one sentence blanket statement, and then it's up to me how to respond. Two times in January, I expanded on his comments with interest and questions to get him to open up. So I learned more detail about his "anti-M" issues. I validated and then presented my point of view gently- showing how these things could be solved and how I of course would like to see things work out. After both talks, we ended up sleeping together.
Then in February, H has dropped single sentence comments 3 times and all I have done is validate in one sentence and don't expand at all..
H: "I think we're doing the right thing" (by S and eventual D) or "I don't want to be M to anyone right now"
Me: "I just want you to be happy"
H:feeling sorry for himself "I'm working on a D"
Me: "that's really up to you" in a nice, sweet way-
So, if there is a next time that H says "I think we're doing the right thing" Should I just say "I understand how you feel" or "I just want you to be happy" and leave it at that? Or does anyone think I should expand the convo into a longer talk like I did twice in January? We did get to sleeping together that way(of course, H blew me off after both those times, but that was a better step than to just respond briefly and then act like a "friend"?) At this point, what do you think is key for me here? More generalized validation or getting into the specifics of why he doesn't want to be M again and validating that? Perhaps it won't sink in until I say the same things several times? H won't bring up specifics unless I ask a question. He is happy to leave it at one blanket statement and that will be all he says. Maybe both? Like if I have a short visit or phone convo where one of us has to go- then no- but if there is a longer span of time together than yes? Do I break down the wall by just accepting it or accepting it and giving love to each little brick..... Opinions?
Last edited by rj2; 02/25/0405:48 PM.
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
