not initiating much contact, letting him come to you
your warm, unconditional friend-like behavior during contacts
your validation or acceptance of their anti-M statements
all of the above?
I guess you answered it "all of the above", but I want to add...do what works. You talk about not initiating contact. If that works, then keep it up. With my H, it was not the right thing. Michele says to monitor results. This is what is so great about Dbing. There is no cookie-cutter approach. It is individualized.
I do think that unconditional love and a great "as if" attitude is the key. There have to be no strings attached to any acts of kindness. You have to show love even when your H is acting crazy. He will appreciate it in the end.
As for the R conversations, I asked that question a number of times on my thread. Here's what I did. I NEVER EVER initiated R talk (frankly I was too terrified) and when he initiated, I shut my mouth (I visualized duct tape) and listened very carefully to what he was saying. I didn't become defensive of anything and I didn't try to convince him of anything with my words (very hard for me because I can be quite verbose). Usually, if I let him talk through his feelings, he would start to say things that were contradictory, but I never pointed them out to him. Many times I would just smile at him with all the love that I felt inside. I knew that he had to work things through on his own. I wasn't going to help him make the D decision. Sometimes I think that they want it to be a mutual decision, but I always expressed to H that I was hoping that we could work things out...even though I understood his decision to leave. I think this sent his head spinning every time I would say it. He knew I didn't want a D and yet I was willing to let him go. I think that he really wanted me to get mad and throw him out, but I didn't and, in the end, my understanding won him over.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
