Going Down Hill

[zed]

Thanks Sandy. I so assuring to hear this from such a vet. Thanks for taking you time to help.

[zed]

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All that is necessary in order for her to get back to her former self. Every time you interfere with that process, you slow things down.....or maybe even deter it.

It's like giving birth. The labor is long and painful, but necessary to produce such a favorable outcome.

Any suggestions when W if sad then. Just sit and wait to see if she wants to talk. As that is what I did during are whole marriage and this is one of the reasons we are where we are. Or should I just say something to the extent. "I see something is bothering you. If you want to talk I'm here to listen"?

[sandi2]

First of all, I believe the LBH needs to give a lot of support during the piecing stage. Just want to make that clear.

But during the stage you find yourself, it is a narrow path. I believe it is important to give her space and not be as available to offer a lot of soothing for her emotional frame of mind. Remember, she is leaving you and all you can give (support, comfort, etc.). That may sound cold or punitive, but it is not to punish her. It is not you teaching her a lesson. It is you allowing her to experience the reality she has caused. You are leaving her alone to sort and deal with the circumstances she has brought about due to her selfish decisions.

Now, if you are there, say watching TV together and she is crying or doing something to obviously get your attention.........or if she dramatically throws herself down on the bed and start bawling.........you can ask her if she wants to share her feelings with you. I would not suggest you initiate any form of physical comforting, but if she leans on you to cry or ask you to hold her......I would not refuse. Just beware that it means nothing but the pain of her selfishness wants comforting. You can put your arm around her and wait till she crys it out. Listen to her talk. You don't have to agree or even make comments other than "I'm sorry this is happening" or "This has not been easy". something alone those lines. But do not follow her around, trying to get her to talk about it. If she comes to you, then be strong and compassionate.

Everyone does not agree with me on this, just so you know. They encourage more validating. And if you know how and can, that's up to you. But be careful what you say b/c I feel this particular time for her is crucial. And it depends on what she's crying about. If she is tormented over the confusion in her heart/mind, then I say to be more sympathetic. If she is crying over her life being hard and she has no friends or what people think of her, whatever.......then not quite as sympathetic? Does that make any sense? This "sadness" needs to resonate with her choices.

Again, I do not mean to imply you act cold and uncaring. Don't sit there with some kind of self-righteous air. Don't act like her judge. Just continue to show strength and offer to let her talk if she wants to. But don't offer suggestions or try to fix what's hurting her. Don't pet her or smother her in your attempts to make her feel better.

Hope this not confuse you more.

[zed]

I was doing good today. Then tonight I hit a wall again. Youngest D Bday is on the Nov.7th. W has totally shut me out from all her family. Mine live 8 hours away. She decided to have a Bday party with youngest daughter and her family while I was at work. Because she did not want me around. On top of it all it really seems like she is trying put on a big show in front of me with the girls to make me jealous. I know I can never compete with her and I don't want to as I want my kids to love us both equally. But so hard to see it and not call her out on it.

Last thing is. 2 oldest daughters are really starting to act out. Needing attention. We have not told them anything yet but I know they know something is not right. I know I was a big part or why the marriage failed but I am so mad at her that she will not give me another chance. Now the kids are suffering. My heart hurts so much for them. Any suggestions, comments.

[zed]

So I have been trying to detach. No more relationship talk, been more business like etc for last couple days. Our mediation is in a week. Out of the blue I get text from W while I'm at work. "Just wanted to say sorry for any way that I have hurt you through this. You may not believe this but I really do feel terrible about this".
There is so many ways I wanted to respond to this. The advice on Mozza's thread have been great as well as Sandi's advice has been awesome.

I replied with a simple" Yah I know this is hard on you" What I feel is validating and also not cold, short and to the point.

[Starsky309]

Wrong response.

BEST: ignore it (there's no question in there, and nothing about the kids)


OR: "Yes, this has been very difficult on all of us."


There's no need to validate someone who is fleeing from their family, in my opinion.


Starsky

[zed]

So much to learn. I can re-read DB and DR so many times. But you learn so much more from everyone hear.
Thanks Starsky

[Mozza]

Ha! I thought it was a fairly good response. I defer to the vets, of course.

One observation though:

" Yah I know this is hard on you"

I try to avoid any validation that implies "I already knew that". Even starting an answer to an affirmation with a "yes" implies that you had already thought about it. I personally feel much better understood when the other person expresses a reaction suggesting they learnt something new. The "I knew that" kind of response is a disappointment because it implies that the other person had already taken that into account. My LL is "words of affirmation" by the way and quality of attention is very big for me.

[zed]

Wife must be starting to feel guilty and depressed or something. Last week she has quit dressing up to the nines to go out to get grocery's, working out, and she says she hasn't been sleeping. Which she has been doing the last 2 months or so. She texted me about how she was feeling guilty this morning as per above. Then tonight before bed she asked "how are you doing" I said "good...why?". W "i feel so cold right now". Me" Why do you feel so cold?" W "I guess with all the stuff we are going to go through we cant expect to be best buddies". Me calmly "yep". Then there was approx. 1 min of silence. She was watching "The Batchelor Canada". which she know's I don't like, so I said. "I don't really feel like watching the batchelor right now" and left to go do my own thing.

I am feeling pretty detached right now. I don't really have much feelings for her. I know my feelings will come and go but it feels pretty good not to think of her 90% of the day. Now it is only 50% LOL.

[jim0987]

I'll take 50%. That'd be a 45% improvement.

Sounds like your getting on the up trend of the, my life will be good journey.

Don't try to guess if she is guilty or depressed. Just keep showing your positive confident side.