Wife has left and filed for divorce

[25yearsmlc]

I echo Ahoy's comments about the work YOU have to do.

It concerns me that your focus is mostly on getting some sort of guarantee that she'll return to you. I'd be more concerned about not blowing it again when you go nuts b/c your temper sounds batchit crazy to me.

I don't say that to hurt or offend you but to wake you up to how the world views your behavior. It stinks.

I am amazed she stayed so long AND I am very concerned that you are minimizing how physically (yes, physically) abusive you were. Handling your wife in ANY WAY to get her out of her own home - b/c YOU wanted her to go, is so wildly inappropriate,

that I literally fear for her.

Chances are high that HER FEARS are mainly about taking you back and then having you revert again to your old (&recent) ways.

Work on you and only you and THEN MAYBE IN TIME - like when your IC says you are ready, make a small move but do nothing meanwhile to agitate her.

(If you have been going to counseling for years now, what has improved?)

It's a fragile "peace" for now and I'd say and do nothing to force a decision.

Chances are if you push for more, it will show how you have not really changed and that the superficial things you are doing are just to check them off a list
like they are 'tactics to get her back, NOT authentic deep changes in you.

Do you want to change b/c you want to become a better man, OR b/c you want her to return? IOW, do you just want to "win" or do you love HER?

Dig deep and work on you. Later, think about re-entering the relationship and trying to make a good marriage. What you described above sounds like a troubled marriage which has Not been meeting her needs for years.

Know this:

No spouse returns to a marriage they left, UNLESS

they believe the marriage can be different/better than before.

How are you going to show her that? (Not with words, but actions on your end?)

What are your 180s and GAL?