...tell me now, what you think YOUR PART in all this, originally, was...and
in what ways you are now different than you were, before.
Thank you for pushing me to remember this. I absolutely played a big role. I struggled with mental health issues (mild depression and anxiety) for years. Even before we had a baby, I was insecure, quick to be jealous or suspicious, quick to criticize. I saw everything through a negative lens. I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop in most areas of my life. Getting ready to go out with friends on Saturday night was fraught because I was so concerned about looking a certain way. I didn't love myself.
It wasn't all me-- I can see now that much of what was making me unhappy was perhaps that my love tank was not being filled in the ways I needed it too. But, instead of going out and getting a life and choosing to be happy (and getting treatment), I resented my H for not giving me what I needed.
I was in therapy before I became pregnant, which helped me come to terms with my R with my parents. But I was still very unhappy and I refused to go on meds.
Then, after my D was born, it all got worse. I was more anxious, more controlling (naps, food, etc etc). I couldn't just relax and be happy with my pretty great life. I couldn't appreciate the things my H was trying to do to show me he loved me. I kept waiting for HIM to be the one to change. I felt bullied and emotionally abused a lot of the time. And, it is possible that he IS a bit of a narcissist and DID emotionally abuse me. And, it is also true that I was not a loving, attentive wife, and probably did not fill his love tank either.
It's possible I AM better off without him.
That said, I'm trying to focus this on me-- but of course thinking about my interactions with him (as someone who was co-dependent) are relevant, I think, to figuring out the work I need to do for me.
Why did I stay with someone whom I felt belittled me and who didn't respect me? (he has actually admitted that he has a lot more respect for me now than he did while we were together, so I'm not delusional to have felt that way).
How have I changed?
I have come A LONG way. For the first time in my life, I really like who I am. I need to lose 10 pounds, and I'm not perfect, but I am happy with myself. I don't base my opinion of myself on how I *think* others view me.
I can see the positives in situations, and don't just dwell on the negatives.
I don't have doomsday scenarios running through my head all the time.
I don't beat myself over mistakes and imperfections. I move forward.
I reach out to others.
I don't think everything is about me.
I'm more able to accept the mistakes of others without being so judgemental (though I admit I continue to work on this...)
I don't get paralyzed by panic when a problem arises. I can problem-solve and multi-task more easily.
I have faced one of my biggest fears-- my H leaving me -- and made it a whole year and am PROUD of how I've handled this.
