I'm having a tough night. Moving to another downturn of the cycle of grief and crying, I guess.

This weekend is too much.

Halloween used to be a big, awesome, fun event with H. Pumpkins, costumes, house decorations, and the whole night in general. We used to have a blast setting things up.

This year, I didn't decorate at all. I couldn't even open the boxes in the garage. I haven't mentioned it on the boards. I haven't talked about it really with anyone. The kids all had plans, I was going to just have a quiet night alone. Then D13 friend's parents invited me over again with D13. I was glad to join them.

I thought I would have enough fun to not feel sad. I thought if we did completely different stuff tonight, I wouldn't miss H. I was wrong.

I know he's a complete a$$hat and crazy now. I know he doesn't want to be with me. I can't have a real R or M with the man he is now. I just miss what we had. There were great times that are nothing more than memories now. I wasn't ready to be without him. I wanted more time. More years. More of H. And he's gone.

I tried really hard tonight to be happy and social with D13 friend's parents. It worked fine until I got home. I really miss the old H, before the crazy stuff. We used to laugh so much. Now I'm crying. This stinks.

Tomorrow my kids' father, my xh.....comes to town. He's not coming with his fiancé. He's alone. I don't know why this bothers me. Things have been cordial. He should be here when S18 leaves. I just don't want him near me. Idk why.

S18 leaves Sunday to stay overnight before flying out Monday. Then I don't see him until Christmas. It's just too much right now.

I don't want to deal with all of this alone. I hate having no one to lean on. I'm not feeling strong enough at all.

Eric, I wish I was mad. I can't get mad. I don't even know how to get mad. Does that mean I won't heal?

I'm just having a tough night. This, like every other bad night, will pass. I'm feeling the grief. I'm dreading the change in my house with S18 leaving. Then one more month, my other S18 leaves.

I know they'll be ok. I'm not worried that way. It's just the end of an era. It looked so much different in my head than it is in reality. And I'm sad. I wanted a family with a husband to see them off. And it's just me. It's always been just me for this big stuff. I've been a single parent, in many ways, since they were babies.

And this was actually a big conversation h and I had when we got together. How I hated this single parent stuff. H did it too with his kids, and he seemed to understand and want the same. And H was a great dad to my kids. My kids loved him.

Yet, all that conversation and planning.....and here I am again. Alone.

I wish I had my normal H to lean on. I could sure use some big strong arms right now. Mine aren't cutting it.