Sooooooo as usual what goes up must come down and my mojo crapped out a little tonight. H came by to be able to trick or treat with S7, (the others had gone with friends). He was telling me how he has to travel this week earlier than planned and I said ok. Then he tells me his friends company is in trouble, then nonchalantly mentions his friends marriage is in trouble. My inner lion got the better of me and I immediately responded " I've got enough of that myself- I don't need to hear about anyone else". H was taken aback a little bit. Then asked if he had done something ( other than leave me and break up our family was clearly what he was asking about). I said no. He said " well your standoffish- you've been that way more and more lately but today it's even extra". I said I'm fine. Later in evening he tells me the new dining room furniture looks nice ( I think it really bothered him I did that- he said earlier that he didn't know I was getting a new dining set. Welcome to we aren't together and I don't share those details with you). I said thanls it just needs to be put together and so and so is coming by on Sunday to help. He said if it's not done by the time he gets back from traveling he will do it. I said you don't have to. He said I know- I'm offering. I am noticing some underlying fear of losing me.......
So then he asks again " are you sure you're ok?" I said yes-I'm just trying to deal with the situation as best I can and move forward. And I told him I had apparently skipped a lot of the anger stage. He seemed confused. I said " you know- the grief and loss process. I'm hitting the anger stage". He said so now you're mad at me? I said I'm mad in general. Then he said I didn't mean to add more to you by mentioning friends marriage issues- was just trying to share about his work issues and his partner is almost suicidal. I said I understand I'm just trying to get through my own stuff. ( plus I'm thinking- MLC, EA, marriage falling apart, H suicidal, S16 suicidal, D13 an emotional mess over the situation all in the last year and you're about to D me and I'm supposed to be my usual stronger than everyone you can lean on me self???? Whatever!) Then some small talk and before he leaves he tells me- you look nice ( I made sure my trick or treat attire was HOT yet tasteful!) and then says " and if you need to yell at me you can". I said no I'll figure it out.
H also turns 40 monday. And he keeps talking about how he wants to cancel his birthday. So I clearly have feelings- wanted to reach out and hug him. But I'm not a blubbering mess- so that's progress, right?
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
