What led me to "wake up" and address our SSM, was an event that happened while I was on a business trip in Florida. But before I tell you what it was, I'm going to share explain a method I have always used to judge my commitment to my relationship and how it has moved around over the 10 years, I've been married.
The method starts with a simple question... "If you were in a bar alone, and away from anyone who knew you, and a woman propositioned you for sex fully understanding that there would be no strings attached, then how would you respond?"
I asked myself this from the beginning of our relationship 15 years ago...here's the history of my answers...also note that marriage seemed to end the sex...not birth...it dropped quickly from bi-monthly to quarterly within a couple years. Also note that over this period, that I've tried all sorts of changes to myself, how I interract, etc. with no improvement.
10 years ago (the first years of marriage)... A: Why would I even think such a thing...this is a stupid exercise.
8 Years Ago A: I would simply say NO...afterall, I'm committed to the idea of fidelity!.
6 Years Ago A: It's ok to fantasize about it as long as I never do it...afterall, the rest of the relationship is perfect.
4 Years Ago A: That's a cool fantasy but things like that just don't happen...especially to me.
3 Years Ago A: Hmmm....seriously....what would I do? I desperately want to feel attractive to someone. It couldn't hurt to go to a bar and try to attract the attention of someone as long as it doesn't go any further.
2 Years Ago A: Well, this is my pathetic life. Here I sit alone at a bar and I don't even like drinking. The women ignore me at the bar and at home...I must look like a big dork. I still love my wife so it's probably good that nobody is trying to tempt me.
1 Year Ago A: Oh crap, a 22 year old, attractive girl at this bar wants to hang around me and wants to trade phone numbers...if this were anywhere else (and my wife's brother wasn't with me) would I follow up? Who knows...I guess my fitness club membership is paying off or something.
This Year: A: I've got my body in good shape, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy has tought me some good grooming and dressing tips and I now floss daily. If I don't attract the attention of my wife, then I will try to get more "good vibes" from other women. Dropping the "cool" act and being truly happy with myself, smiling and making longer eye-contact with women seems to work great. I get glances back...this is fun.
Last Month (I swear on my life that this next part is true..) A: Holy Sh!t...this woman, at bar, 900 miles from my home...want's to hook up. Play along...play along...this is cool. Holy crap, she's with another couple...real-life swingers...they want to have a big, crazy, nasty orgy! Random, anonymous, kinky.....what should I do. This is what fantasies are made of? Afterall, this is what I've been setting myself up for for the past couple years.
