...You have described my W without even knowing the rest of the story. I am impressed! I believe this is where experience kicks in.
...Back to your post, you are right. Two days ago she came to take the dog and give it to her brother....So she walks in my apt and gives me a hug. She then started to brag about a "singles party" she did at her place couple days ago. She said it was "wild".
...She then noticed I was getting big (I am a skinny guy but I've been going to the gym for the past 3 months, and now Im 15 lbs heavier). Then she started saying that she doesn't even feel like we were married. She thinks is probably her coping mechanism .... But, as the conversation went by, she started accusing me again for ruining everything.
I had to stop her (I never did this before) and tell her that I am done listening to the same complaints over and over. ...I told her that I am willing to listen to her, but not to listen to things that she had repeated so many times in her past.
But she kept talking and began to cry. She said she believed on us, on our future together. And that she put all the effort in this relationship.
...And when I start giving her examples on how much I also contributed in this relationship, she cuts me off saying "Alright, alright, fine..."
So we talked for like an hour and a half. Then she hugged me and said "I really love you, but not like before...I believe we should have been friends in the first place before becoming lovers..." Then she added "lets work on our friendship now." She was very emotional.
But then she asked me if I can help her pay her phone bill....I told her that:
1. she makes almost double the amount that I make, plus commissions. 2. She decided to leave and erase me from her life for ever (she deleted me from FB, talked trash and lies about me to others, etc.) 3. We are not together anymore. 4. The reason why your phone bill is so high is because you wanted the iPhone 6 plus an iPad.
...Then she hugged me again before getting in her car. At this point she was crying a lot.
I told her "you know my position, you know that I apologized to you and asked for forgiveness so many times. And I know you said you forgive me, but you did not want to fix anything. You moved out suddenly without even letting me know...But still I believe we can fix this together..." She didn't say anything and got in her car. I kissed her and left.
Where to start. You are seeing the patern, which is a great step in understanding the dynamics of your relationship. That will allow you to do a DB 180 and force her to interact with you in a different way. Your standing up to her rants and you saying no to her financial demands may have be inadvertant 180's which will force her to interact differently.
One of the keys to a sucessful 180, is that it will be challenged. You might want to do some real thinking about that and figure out how she might challenge your "new" you position and how you will respond.
Now for the bad news. It is hard to tell if you handled the last part well or not. Let me repeat something I said earlier so you can reflect on it and the last part of what you did.
Quote:
One of the hard lessions I learned was not to be baited into arguing with my W no matter what she said. I also needed to not knuckle under to her in a "MR NICE GUY fashion." If you have read No more Mr. Nice Guy, you will know what I mean. I had to learn to be an integrated, strong, polite MAN, who when she yelled at me, didn't respond with anger but assumed the adult/leader role and asked her civil questions that she could hear. I couldn't tell her what to do, only she could decide what she was doing, but I could guide her thinking.
I remember one event where we were out at dinner in a restaurant and she did yell at me (it does happen, but not often). I just looked at her with a question on my face and said I was sorry she felt so upset, but what was it I had just done that caused her to get so angry in a public place. She thought for a moment and then apologized and said she had no idea why she did what she did.
Only you know the tone of your voice when you told her you had apoligized and she had accepted and she had not tried to fix the marriage. From my seat that sound like if not getting into an argument, at least getting into a heavy debate. Hopefully there was no anger in your voice.
Don't get drawn into an argument with her no matter how hard she tries to draw you into one. You can be firm with her. You can point out the mature approach to handling a situation. Assume the Alpha-role in the relationship, be the mature adult or leader that she wants to instinctively follow (you said she was acting like a young girl, maybe that really is how she is feeling). Don't be what Dr. Glover refers to as the "Nice Guy" she wants to walk all over and manipulate.
To close on a positive note of what you did. She offered to be friends with you and work on your friendship. That was a great offer and hopefully you accepted or agreed to at least part of it. Working on friendship will keep her around so she can notice the changes you are making in your life and become again attracted to you. If you keep up with your GAL and your firm 180's she will have to see that you are a different person and one she needs to treat differently, which maybe why she wants to remain friends even when she knows she has treated you so badly.
Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
