I've been meaning to update, just haven't had much to say...
I had given W until end of Sept to say whether or not she wanted a collaborative law D. She took about a week longer, and she chose a litigator who doesn't practice collaborative law. When I asked why she did that, she responded that she wanted a D on her own terms. A bit of an oxymoron, that. It was clear that she picked this person purely on recommendation without understanding the options. Nothing gives you more input/control than collaborative, and less than litigated.
There was some initial sabre rattling about motions to have me removed from the house, that haven't yet materialized. Nonetheless, I keep a fully packed suitcase in the trunk of my car. (!)
My L and I have held off on a contested filing, to see if we can start negotiations for a joint filing, which would eliminate the 6 month waiting period. Should have a response by mid next week. Mindreading, but I doubt my W will want to proceed with a speedy D because she knows her financial reality. It's more likely that she will draw this out for as long as possible.
I believe W got in to see an actual psychiatrist this week. (anything would be better than her divorce-coaching T) W is trying to get her AD dosage raised, and I don't think her doctor wants to, hence the new doctor.
When she speaks to me, which is rarely, it is contemptuous. The more her choices box her in, the more angry she is with me. (anger is better than indifference?) No inkling of responsibility on her part; she holds me completely responsible. I don't stand for much of that anymore - I've told her quite bluntly that I call BS on that -- her actions are her responsibility, and cannot be pinned on me. I'm not piling stuff on her, just not letting her pile it on me.
SIL called me a few times -- she thinks W is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Her family still hopes I stick through this. I've told SIL that I don't know what is even possible anymore; it's in God's hands. As patient, determined and forgiving as I might be, W has a very long scorecard and no sign of any of the personal tools it would take to work on anything. I told SIL I can't do it alone, and W is just not interested right now. SIL is really broken up by this, worried about the kids. I told her to call whenever she wanted; I don't mind talking.
I regressed a little emotionally last week. I share responsibility for her getting to this point, but I can't comprehend her unwillingness to get past this point. More precisely, her way to get past this point is through total destruction. I have a hard time letting that go easily without a blame me/blame her cycle, which I realize is futile, but I am getting better. It surely isn't linear.
I'm at the point where I really just want to move on. It's not so much what W has done to me or our family. Strangely (or not), I don't care what she's doing (most of the time). It's that I doubt that W has the skills to cope with a life that's different that whatever it is that she imagined it should be. And as we age and start confronting new issues, I want someone more reliable; someone willing to work as a team to get what they want. I freely admit I didn't always know how to do that either, but I know you can't get there by not trying.
I haven't totally written W off, but I'm getting a pretty good picture of what my needs are in a life partner and I don't see those in W now and each day I doubt whether she has the capacity to ever be that person, even if she were to try (which she isn't). It's down to shared history, which she doesn't want to remember. I think it's true that the LBS eventually catches up with the WAW in the not caring department.
So now it's getting on with the D, and seeing if she'll cooperate enough to minimize the timeline. That will come to a head this week.
I really want to sell our house, buy myself a fixer upper, and spend the next year therapeutically working with wood and tools, quietly, constructively, rebuilding some equity in a place that's my stress free home. Get myself back on a stable footing.
Meanwhile, I'm still exercising, and GALing (need to do more though).
The kids are good. We have not had "the talk". Don't know what to tell D13.
Have to figure out how to get them through this holiday season. I knew in my heart last Christmas that that was the last Christmas. I'm stockpiling PMA now to make this one as good as it can be.
I'm more appreciative of other people's time. I'm a little more aware of the people around me throughout the day as well. Widening the scope beyond the family is paying off.
