As soon as she realizes she doesn't get to have "you" without the M, or family events without the M, the better for all of you.
My opinion is to get through tonight and the BD party best you can. Do not celebrate a wedding anniversary with a wayward wife. After D's birthday, better plan to have separate holiday plans, to give her a picture of how divorce looks. Otherwise, why would she think anything family-wise will change? Logically, one would know.....but she's not thinking logically.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
