Enjoying the ride

[Zues126]

Thanks 25, RP

You're right 25, the write up was one sided. I was trying to recap post BD events, not pre-BD breakdown. There is no doubt I played a significant role in that.

Unhealthy sexual outlooks were a big issue. There were others, but if I had to do it over this is the one are I wonder if I'd still be unsuccessful. I may be a long ways from a finished product. i have been able to manage myself through emotions such as feeling extremely rejected, frustrated, etc, without letting that influence my behavior. For example, i will never pressure a woman to do anythin she doesnt want to again. That i can control and know wont be an issue. But I don't want to live a life where I constantly feel that way and am gritting my teeth day by day to try to force myself into the behavior of a healthy man. I want to just be that guy, have it be difficult at times but not unbearable and continuously overwhelming.

I know it is a long road and am trying to be patient. I had read that quitting porn can allow the brain to 'detox' and reduce some of the symptoms. Maybe that's happened. I have read a lot about it and have discussed with my IC and DB coach. Learned a lot, such as the fact that the pain isn't from unfulfilled fantasies, but from real appropriate needs (to be desireable, significant, respected) not being met, and I just think the fantasy is what I'm looking for. They say if I'm in a functional relationship where those base needs are being met I may find it easy to let to of some of these other things. It's possible that I'm better prepared than I think. Hard to know, because at this point the love bank in my R is so broken its hard to even imagine it working.

But I'm not a victim. I chose to view porn for many years. I chose to avoid addressing these issues during my R and expected my W to work around my problems. And in doing so I chose to treat her in a way that forced her to defend her boundaries in this monumental way, and to give her no reason to feel safe or trust in of me.

So I will keep taking steps and hope that at some point I grow enough I KNOW I am up to he challenge, and that I have the opportunity to put those outlooks and skills to use. Some days it feels possible. Others it does not. I am choosing to ignore the doubts because I can't accept what that would mean for my life.

Thanks for following you two.