I've asked myself about the anger thing. I'm certainly angry about some things - and I have every right to be - but that isn't what's driving me right now - I'd say its resignation.
I don't know that the Stockdale Paradox is always in perfect balance. Right now - I'm being sued for divorce. My husband is making spectacularly bad choices that affect my kids and I need to focus on addressing the grim reality. That's just being responsible. The grim reality is that this marriage is cooked. Do I still have hope? Sure, I do. Despite all, at his core, STBX is a good man, and I'm sure his path has many twists and turns yet to come. I just feel its highly unlikely that path will lead him to wish to reconcile before D is final. And even if it did, I doubt I would trust his sincerity enough to make it work in that time frame
Something changed in me with the revelation that my husband has been living with the OW since BD. It's not even the discovery of the lie or the poor behavior in front of the kids. Prior to this, I certainly accepted that an affair can be an intoxicating and addictive experience (which is why I was trying to slow D down). Now though, I realize that he has made concrete choices. He could have chosen to rent an apartment in our town, date his OW and see his children far more frequently. Instead he chose to rent a house with her immediately, an hour away which makes seeing his children much less frequent (not to mention unpleasant for them - given all the driving). He has Sundays off this quarter. He could have chosen to see them then. but he didn't. He has chosen a runaway life with OW again and again, to the detriment of his kids.
Make no mistake - just because I have accepted that a divorce will happen and that my husband is extremely unlikely to do any self reflection in the foreseeable future that would lead to improved relations - my own behavior and expectations will not change. I will still GAL, strive for PMA and work on self improvement. I just completely accept that its for me and my kids and may not do anything for STBX.
