Inside my chrysalis 6

[labug]

Does a opening up to it mean acceptance? I am really trying but it is a lot to ask to succumb to the life someone else has chosen for you, you know? Add to that the impact on D that H seems to ignore because he doesn't want to face that this could actually be hard on her (lest he feel guilty) and acceptance seems silly and almost cruel. I realize that fighting it is futile... Is there no middle ground?

Yes, being open to it means acceptance because this is the life we have. Not accepting means you're not looking at reality, you keep wishing to fix the past or fix your H. I know, I was there.

"It's a lot...to succumb to the life someone else has chosen for you." (I hate the term but, stinkin thinkin)...it is tough to do. I have a couple of things to say about that, first, it rings of my H's feelings when he left and two, that's the little, scared girl in you talking. What if you change that to "this sux but I've been given an opportunity to work on stuff I know I need to work on and become a better R partner, a better mother, better business person, better friend? To be OK WITH ME! My H may grow and change and become my partner again or I may find a new partner more suited for the new me. Either way, I win."

Not all gifts are wrapped in pretty paper with bows.

About your D, this is a difficult thing for kids but they do better when the parents do better. Show her that you will all get through this together and you will. She may always grieve the loss but she can learn to deal with that appropriately, just as we do with other loss situations. Be her rock, her listening ear but don't automatically think she has the same feelings you do.

You don't know that your H is ignoring the effects of D on your D. What do you know to be true about how your H interacts and cares for D, right now, today? When we try to figure out the motives of others we are often led to where our mind is, not where their mind is. Mind-reading is dangerous.

Let go of blame, forgive him for being stupid or short-sighted or lost or in a fog or whatever and let it go. Put all that focus where it can do some good, you and D.

I mean, my life right now consists of a part time, hopefully temporary job, possible temporary living arrangements, awkward holidays... How does one open up to that? How do I create some permanence, consistency, predictability for D and I?

You control you.
You can control whether holidays are awkward or not.
You can control the consistency, maybe predictability (I'm not sure what you mean there). Permanence doesn't happen. For anyone. Life is constantly changing. Which you may come to see as a good thing because even tho you may have some very low, lows there can also be some amazing joyful highs.

I get what you're saying, I controlled to the nth degree in order to guard against unpredictable things popping up. I was filled with so much fear that I would be blamed for the bad, unpredictable things. It would all be my fault. I would be punished.

I couldn't see that everyone around me was miserable. And so was I. My attempts to control things outside myself didn't save me.

I think that's why this NorCal job is so tempting. Change big enough to start over. Granted, I'm seeing some escapism on my part in the decision but I'm looking at that. It may not be the best idea but I haven't even been granted an interview yet so it's not like I'm moving next week.

Escape fantasies are fun. I lived some of my escape fantasies throughout my life, changing jobs, moving house, moving from one state to another. I had many more in the year after H left, my friends probably tired of hearing them but I was given some very good advice, don't make any big decisions like selling house (unless have to), moving away, new R for at least a year. We're so full of emotion that we're not able to make a decision based in fact. Not unlike our WASs when they just have to get out of the marriage.

With my previous escapes I always found that wherever I went, there I was.

And labug, I am a survivor but I am brought to my knees when I think about D. I can't make this stop for her, protect her from it. Part of me despises H for thinking she's "fine" and will continue to be "fine". He doesn't want to face his decision as being hard on anyone but himself and I never knew he could be that kind of man. It makes me cringe to think I picked someone who could do this to her and convince himself that it's not that big of a deal. I just can't reconcile that.

Do you really think your H wants to hurt your D? Go back to what you know to be true. I think what scares us the most is our S was so unhappy with us that they feel this is the only way.

If your H is truly that shallow and uncaring then you're better off without him. But a shallow, uncaring guy doesn't call to see if he can come over and kiss his D good night.

Get out of his head, stay in yours. There was a phrase that another ex-poster used for those times when you might want to spin what the WAS is saying or doing "Isn't that interesting." In my experience, I did a lot of mind-reading and I can tell you that I've since found out from H that I was wrong 90% of the time.

And, if I'm making all these changes and YOU all can see that, why is H so closed off and blind to my changes?

We don't know that he isn't seeing them, that's your story and your timeline. Read The Untethered Soul again. ((( )))

You're doing great but peeling these layers is painful. Don't expect otherwise and it makes it easier.

Hope today is a better day.