Barrybran - [Insert Original Thread Title Here]

[Barrybran]

My situation took a turn yesterday. My wife told me that when she moves away for her job she have the space she feels she should have had a year ago at BD. She stopped short of saying that this is it for us though her language indicated she is leaning that way. I reiterated that I intended to follow her up with the kids by mid-2015 and asked if she saw us living there under one roof to which she replied "no". I expressed that I felt my thoughts and feelings had been dismissed and ignored lately and that I felt that I needed the break too. I restated my long-term desire to remain married and continue as one family unit to which she said she does not see a future with me.

I wasn't sure how to handle the next part of the conversation but felt that it was important to bring up the idea of at least trying to make things work in the long run. I say I wasn't sure how because I do feel that our relationship won't improve unless she starts taking me seriously and I can see the benefits to going out separate ways. One strong concern I have is that I will lose a lot of respect for her if she walks away without trying and that it will set a terrible example for the kids as far as trying their best in life goes. As my wife said, I hate to fail and she is right. This is a huge ego thing for me. I feel very strongly though that marriage is not something you just walk away from. Sure, I've made my mistakes but I don't feel that I should be punished for the rest of my life for them.

My wife mentioned that she feels nothing for me. From what I've read, I understand this. I didn't bring up that of course she won't feel anything for me without giving things a chance. She has poor role models around her as far as relationships go so I was always up against it. I read a while back that you have to act with love before you feel love. We go through our lives looking for love and expecting it to just happen. When I read the things I read, it made me think about how relationships begin and it was so true. Love doesn't just happen. It comes about through effort and attraction. Even when you first meet someone and have a crush on them; something about them, their looks, personality, whatever, interests you to the point that you want to get to know that person better. Knowing this, it feels like I know something that my wife doesn't and she is making a huge life decision based on misinformation. Of course, it's not my place to bring this up.

I don't really which direction my relationship with my wife will go now. I stand by my decision to commit to my marriage, I've lived my life accordingly and whatever happens, I can hold my head up and say I did my part. My wife hasn't had proper space from me in the past year and I'm hoping that she will start to miss some things about me. From reading other threads over time I feel that I may have to be more patient than ever. I expect to have to play single dad for a while, deal with a boyfriend or two and just go about my business until the fog is lifted. She may find the new love of her life but I hold hope that it'll all be a phase and that in time she'll see that I'm not so bad to settle down with after all.

Oddly enough, I was able to have this conversation with my wife without much emotion. I could have listened and validated SO much better and I feel that I got a bit excited that we had a (brief) deep and meaningful for the first time in a few months. One thing I am thankful for is the input members on this site have had on my situation. Without you all, I would not have been able to make it through a conversation with as much composure as I had. I am genuinely excited for my wife's new job and I am genuinely looking forward to having my own space without being ignored, interrupted or criticised. I do have very strong concerns about her walking away without trying but in writing this, I understand that I'm jumping the gun and that I can still pull this off with patience and support.

In terms of looking out for number one, money will be a lot tighter and my timeline for following my wife may be put on hold. I can not move without having a job lined up. This may mean that my wife will be away from the kids for longer than expected but there are a lot of what-ifs involved. I may receive enough government support (I don't want it but I may have no choice) to be able to make the move and stay afloat; I may receive a job offer early next year; I may still have a substantial credit card debt and have to stay put until its cleared. There are a lot of ways things could go right now. All I know is that I want to move the kids closer to my wife in a reasonable time but I won't do it at the expense of losing the kids to her or not being able to support myself. If push comes to shove, I'll stay put but I would like to do the right thing by all of us and move at the earliest possible time.

Some good news to finish off; I got my uni results back today and they were better than I was expecting. I've given myself a great launchpad for the rest of my degree and knowing that I've achieved the results that I have through a separation, kids' needs, constant laundry and housework, pulling long hours at work often at short notice and trying to fit in some activities for myself in around it all. It's a huge confidence boost to know that I can achieve a high level with everything going on and little support. In saying that, I'll need to make some friends this trimester or I'm going to go insane