My night with the kids. STBX went out, came home late after kids were in bed. We made small talk for a minute, then came the part when I had to have her sign the paper acknowledging I had served her the separation. She told me she wouldn't until Monday when she could have her attorney review it. I said that was fine, but I know I came across a bit impatient because I first replied it wasn't an agreement of any type, it was simply an acknowledgement.
We then proceeded to get into something that bordered on an argument or at the least an intense conversation. She brought up subjects of finances, parenting, future schedules, etc. It felt very confrontational to me and I was very firm in return.
She brought up how tough she was off financially having her cash flow reduced prior to the holidays before she started working again. I replied that I too was facing serious challenges due to providing 100% of my income through November to her, then making support payments in December on top of a new rent payment and furnishing a new place before I had my first paycheck to myself. She told me she was concerned about the kids being with me overnight during the week due to the disruption of their schedule. I replied that divorce disrupted their schedule, and that having their father in their life was a priority. We had a few other similar exchanges.
I really feel like I blew it. I left on a pleasant note and said while it was tough to talk about at least I believed we still had mutual goodwill. But walking out I was sure she didn't feel validated, understood, trusting, safe, etc. I remember thinking this conversation was the nail in the coffin of the D.
BUT- I did one thing right (I think). I RECORDED THE CONVERSATION!!! So- on my way home, I replayed it and listened closely to everything she said! Now that I wasn't on the defense, it sounded more reasonable. As soon as I got home I listed each point she made on a piece of paper, organized them, and sent her a reply.
I went from feeling like she would be more sure than ever she made the right choice, to thinking she might be surprised and moved by the fact that 1) I wiuld be mature enough to try to smooth the situation over, and 2) how well I actually heard her. I made each of her points nearly as well as she did if not better, then agreed to them. After all, they weren't black or white questions. So I have no reason to disagree. So now I wonder I she'll be moved by how much differently I'm handling this compared to during our M.
Ill copy the email below. This isn't easy, but whatever happens I know I am truly putting the work in.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
