Recent Separation...trying to cope

[dil]

Had a dinner date with W today. It went ok. I feel like I took 2 steps back though.

Backtracking a little, the day after she told me she wanted to work things out, I asked her if she wanted to join me in taking my 2 nieces on their girls day at a park, and afterwards, the mall. She did join us, and she was being really affectionate and letting me hold her hand and letting me wrap my arms around her a few times. After we dropped of the nieces, we went back to our house and she asked if I wanted to stay and snuggle for a bit and I told her I would love to. So we laid on the living room floor with blankets and pillows and snuggled for about 30mins. I had good vibes with her throughout that day. She didn't seem uncomfortable doing those things.

Today we had dinner at a nice Mediterranean restaurant. I picked her up right after work. I stayed positive and, for the most part, happy. She talked to me about work and she said she was a little stressed from things going on at work. I continued to listen to her and validate so that she would feel a bit more at ease on our way to dinner. I let her hold my arms on the way to the restaurant and it felt nice being close to her a little bit. We get in and sit down and it was sort of quiet. I felt really nervous and had a hard time thinking of things to talk about. I eventually made the mistake of bringing it up R talks by asking about physical boundaries, which is why I say I went 2 steps back.

It didn't get heated or anything but I think she might be second-guessing things again. I brought up the idea about the physical boundaries and asked if me hugging, and kissing her was making her uncomfortable. She said it was a little because she still doesn't know if things will work out or not in the end and doesn't want to 'play with my heart'. I felt a little awkward when she said that and told her I understand and will respect that. I then asked her about he EA partner and if it went any further than an EA, she confirmed to me that it did not get to PA and that she was sorry. I told her I forgive her and that the EA was something I would bury in the past.

Then we talked a little about my porn issues and asked her to forgive me for it and keeping it secret for so long. She said she couldn't forgive me right now, but eventually she would. She also said that her forgiving me doesn't mean we will get back together. This changed my mood pretty quick but I tried not to show it. I continued to listen and told her I understand why it will take a while for her to forgive.

So now I feel I'm back at square one. She's made plans to be at her best friends thanksgiving dinner. I told her I was still figuring my plans for it. I'm feeling so confused and down right now. Its hard to think about but I need to continue DB'ing and GAL. This is tough. Maybe being affectionate with her was moving way too fast? She was reciprocating so I don't know what made her change her mind so suddenly about it.