I can be the lighthouse but not the tugboat

[daring]

Thanks CaliGuy- I feel like I'm doing pretty well right now and I relish the good days b/c the down days s¥ck!

Tonight's conversation was interesting. H came over and seemed very discombobulated. He's seemed that way more lately. He's back to his MLC fog with poor sleep and no memory.

So anyway- the conversation starts with him saying " what are we going to do about the trip?" And I say " well I think you should go with the kids and since you're worried about drama I'll do something else like visit my sister".
H says " I don't know how I feel about that".
I told him the decision is his but since he won't straight up tell me if he doesn't want me to go ( or he doesn't want to go) b/c he will feel bad I'm trying to help make the decision easier. I said I don't know if your interactions with your family will be different with or without me there so it's up to you. Then he says " if they give me a hard time I'll just tell them to F off".
Hmmmmm- guilt coming out as anger it would seem.....

Then he says " S16's birthday is during that time". I said yes I can spend time with him after. H says no- S16 birthday trumps any feelings I may have about this. I told him it didn't seem that way. I told him he seemed distressed. He said " I'm distressed about taking S16 away from you on his birthday, that's what you're hearing".
I said ok- why don't you do this- tell your brother that we are going but if you get uncomfortable I'll change my plans. He said " if I get uncomfortable I just won't go". Ok whatever.

In general he seemed irritated and " spinning". He mentioned something about changing up the kids schedules with each of us and I said I don't think it will work between my schedule and your work schedule- then he said " you mean my lack of work". ( he still hasn't found a steady job or really started his next company but he is doing consulting and speaking engagements to earn money).
Then he said he was going to get S7s stuff from his place since he will be gone this weekend. He's going with a friend to a game, but is also going to briefly see some of his dad's side of the family since they live there. That might be part of why he is spinning so much right now- his Dad and abandonment is a huge part of his issues he needs to work through.

I was proud of myself- I prayed before the conversation as I didnt want to be too emotional or closed off. I haven't seen him much lately so I was nervous. But God got me through it and I actually didn't even have to try and fake it. I was strong and really didn't even have the " longing" feeling. I more felt bad for him, like I was dealing with an indecisive and immature teenager that needed guidance.
I don't want him as he is- he's got some serious work to do!