Maybell XVIII

[Maybell]

Super proud of my boys today. S8 wrote a note to the guidance counselor all on his own asking for an appointment. On the way home he and S6 and I were talking about it and I asked if they wanted to share their thoughts. S6 was really articulate in saying that he wanted the time split more evenly between me and H, and that he wanted us to be a family again. It stung to hear that he wanted a week with H and a week with me because the bright spot in all this has been my getting to be so close to the kids. I would miss them if I had to split time 50/50. But I'm proud of him, because that must have been hard to say to me. (He said our time together was like a trapezoid because the time he spends with me is long and the time he spends with H is short.)

S8 was more reserved but agreed that he wanted to split the time more evenly. He said I'd said no because of logistics but I told him that he could talk to H about it. Given that he already tried to and got a fairly terse answer, I did say that it was important to talk about your feelings even when you didn't like the answer because sometimes unexpected solutions come up when you share what you need wih others.

I worry so much about my kids. I want them to have better coping skills than my H when they are grown. I worry that I overcompensate for that fear. I worry about how rejected they might feel by H, and I worry about S8 feeling he has the responsibility to comfort me when I am sad. I worry about responding honestly when they say they miss our family and want it back -- because I agree with them, and I want to validate how they feel, but if they share this with H I don't want him feeling I'm throwing him under the bus. Even though these choices are entirely his. But I don't want it to be punitive.

I have decided that I will be happy no matter what happens, and that I will do the best I can to give my kids the skills to decide to be happy too. It's possible -- maybe even likely -- that I will end up divorced. If I do, I know how I will conduct myself. I will be my best self as much as I can. I will make decisions that support my core beliefs. And I absolutely will be happy in my core.