Mozza (2)

[Mozza]

Mozza, you do understand that boundaries are not intended to control or to punish, right? Boundaries are to protect you. The action is to be from "you" if the boundary is not honored.

I hope I get them right. Let's see once I explain further.

1. No more stroller in the backyard. She drops it my backyard every day because I live close to the daycare. But it stresses me out that she comes by. There's a stroller parking at the daycare and I'll ask her to drop it there. I'll tell her it's more convenient for her and that I'm uncomfortable with the current arrangement anyway.

How is this a "boundary"? It irritates you, just like her messiness irritated you. You want to control her. I don't understand the whole stroller thing. Is she bringing your child back home in the stroller? If so, what's the big deal with her leaving it there? Have you tried to discuss it with her? It sounds a little overbearing to me, but I realize I don't have the whole picture.

Yes, I need to clarify. She moved a few hundred yards from our apartment. During her week with the kids, she drops off D3 at a day care very close to our/my apartment. She stops by my apartment and drops the stroller in our small backyard (like rowhouses), giving her a view of the kitchen and my office and anything going on at my place, twice a day. I also see her if I'm in the kitchen or the office, which is most of the time. Seeing her stresses me out because I'm so emotional about the S. I become stressed an hour before she's supposed to come (and to a lesser degree, all day). At that time of day, I try to avoid being in a place where she'll see me or I see her. I feel uncomfortable at my own place during the week where I'm supposed to be "free".

I initially agreed to this for her own convenience, I was saying yes to everything she wanted and not knowing what impact it would have on me, nor that there was a place at the daycare for strollers. So I'm not irritated and I don't find it sloppy. She leaves D6's scooter at my place for the entire week I have the kids and I'm fine with it.

2. Monday dinner with kids. I want to take the kids for dinner during her week with them. I've received advice that 7 days in a row is a long time for D3 especially. W said yes for the first two weeks, then said no this week: "It's my week and the kids are happy." I think I'll have to convince her of my good intentions.

So, what if she decides she doesn't want to follow your rules? Then what? What do you mean about your good intentions?

It seems like a normal negotiations about sharing the kids: she wants 7 days in a row, I want a dinner break in between based on the professional advice I got about D3's well-being (apparently parents with such small children often have a 3-4-4-3 days arrangement). When I asked for Monday dinner, she just said no. Does it mean I have to accept it? That if I want a different arrangement, I'm controlling? (this is an honest question) She can have her own Monday dinner with the kids during my week if she wants to (she never asked and I never suggested because she rejects the smallest things I propose).

3. Godmother. I'll refuse to change D6's godmother to her bad friend, Anna. Their relationship is too tumultuous and I'm not ready to undo decisions we've taken together. It's no more unfair that both godparents are on my side now than it was at the time. I expect a blowup on this, but it's my boundary. I'd feel like a wimp to give in to such a silly idea.

Are you saying both godparents are on "your side" and she wants to choose ....one person of her choice? It may not be a silly idea to her, if she is considering a life apart you and your family. It sounds as if this is another area you want to use power over her. You are right about it not being any more unfair now as it was then. Maybe she didn't want it set up that way back then? Whatever......I know it is a very serious business and you want to choose the best people as godparents, but each of you should have a voice about it, yes?

She wants to take away the title of godmother from the woman we chose together some six years ago. It was very much a joint choice, like everything important in our life (career, city, apartment, kids, names, etc.) I agree that we should each have a voice about it and my voice is "no" for this person. First, my W has an on-and-off relationship with her (serious fall-outs, inappropriate behavior, years without talking) and this closeness seems to be a fad, based on what it's been before. Second, the reasons my W gives me for the friend to be a godmother (she doesn't care about anyone, she does her own thing) don't seem very reasonable. The current godmother is doing a PhD and is a mother of three -- a perfectly good role model and one that we chose together after giving it much thought. Third, I believe this friend has played a detrimental role in my separation and I refuse to have her as the godmother of my child. It seems like when we chose the godmother, all these arguments were fair game and that's how we chose the one D6 has.

I hope I've clarified. I greatly appreciate the guidance.