Don't know if I belong here....

[sandi2]

I join in welcoming you to the board. You are not alone in your confusion about the mindset of a W who has let you know she isn't sure anymore.

Besides lack of affection, what are the other complaints she has made over the years?

Losing a mother and a best friend in a short span of time is traumatic for many women. My mom is my best friend and is quite elderly now, so I know it will be heartbreaking for me to lose her. Most women need someone they can connect to emotionally. If they suddenly lose that person, then they can feel very isolated.

Over time, if your MR was lacking in emotional connection, your W may have turned more and more to these two important women in her life. Their absences have magnified the emptiness she feels in the MR.

My perception of what you've told us is your W doesn't want to hurt your feelings and that may cause her to withhold telling you some things......or, she may not know how to describe to you how she feels b/c she doesn't really understand it herself.

I think you are correct about her simply tolerating your physical affection. She knows what she told you, but now....she can't feel the response she should. That causes her to be confused about her own feelings and desire. With all she's experiencing right now, she probably feels kind of dead on the inside, and that may scare her. It could lead her to doubt her love.

She needs to feel an emotional connection. I hope it will be with you, otherwise it leaves her vulnerable to someone else. Do you have any idea what her emotional needs are? Many men don't have a clue or know what that even means.

We can't tell everything in one or two posts, so be patient while you learn. Be patient with her, too. She is trying to find her way and must feel pretty lost right now.

I suggest you let her initiate the intimate hugs/kisses. You may try other non-sexual touches and see how she responds. If you feel she tenses up when you make any physical contact, then you need to stop for a while.

You will need to learn about detaching. It may sound really confusing at first. It takes some time to get it. It isn't what most newcomers originally think of detaching. (More about that later.)

Another confusing issue for you will be this: What she use to want from you in the MR may not be welcomed at this time. B/c the years of lacking whatever she needed/wanted has done something to her emotionally. It will take a lot of time for her to figure it out. You may feel like a blind man finding his way through the darkness before it's over, IDK.

You may be her target for all her unhappiness for quite some time. Accept the fact that you cannot fix her. You cannot control her or even rescue her. All you can do is become the best man possible. Improve what you know you need to change about yourself. Let this be a wake-up call and give it your best.

Have no expectations of her giving you anything for your hard work/changes/attempts. When you have expectations from her, you set yourself up for disappointment.