claire #9

[25yearsmlc]

Claire, I'm back on your thread and reading it through and I decided Not to go back to your earlier posts to find what I seek.

Instead, I'll ask you to take a trip back in time....tell me now, what you think YOUR PART in all this, originally, was...and

in what ways you are now different than you were, before.

He walked out on me exactly one year ago. I can't believe I am someone whose husband walked out on her. I can't believe it's been an entire year since that happened. It still feels so surreal. Will there ever be a time in my life when I think about what's happened and not cry?

YES.

One year has passed, and now I have to face a second round of milestones-- my wedding anniversary next week. Thanksgiving, my D's birthday, New Year's, my H's birthday, and on and on. Forever.

It will NOT be for forever, unless for some crazy reason, you choose that, (which you won't.)


Even among the few women I know who are divorced, I can only think of two whose husbands walked out on them like mine. One of them is purely evil-- trying to take away custody, leaving her nearly penniless. Nearly all the divorced women I know left their husbands.
When I think of that, I feel small and sad and humiliated.

So there's clearly an ego piece of this, b/c a lot of us would feel WORSE if WE had ended the marriage; not better. This is interesting that you feel worse b/c you wanted to keep the family intact...

anything in that other than pride talking? I'm being sincere b/c I think when you parcel out the wounded ego and injured pride, and look at what's left, it's not a lot. And that's good to know.

I feel betrayed not only by him, but by his entire family and nearly all his friends who have stood by him while he walked out on his wife-- a loving, honest, beautiful person.

Be a loving honest beautiful person and in that, LIVE IT. Honest loving beautiful people PITY those who cannot appreciate the intrinsic value in YOU.

And I do pity them. What must they say to convince themselves that their son/friend has done a good thing? And the answer is NOTHING B/c we do NOT KNOW what the feel.

My oldest brother left a wonderful loving honest beautiful woman. I still miss her although we remain close. IT's hard at holidays when I know she'd make it so much more fun. My brother was a lousy h and still is (in marriage #2). But he does not know it! We do. Make no mistake, as much as my ex SIL may believe we accepted his choice, what choice did we have? We all urged him back to her but to no avail. He's a fool...and that's my oldest brother's story and he's sticking to it.

Unfair to her? God yes, at first....b/c in time, she met OM and to be fully honest, my brother did her a favor by divorcing her. Not saying it did not hurt A LOT.

But She really is a lot happier with her OM (now her h of 10 years) than she ever would have been with my oldest brother. Her present h is much better suited to her and treats her much better than my brother ever could or would have. Just not in him to give a lot in a relationship, but her 'new h' does.

And yes, she admits she is happier than she expected to be, with or without my brother. So, there you go...and fwiw, their d does seem pretty well adjusted. I think that's b/c her parents rarely bad mouthed the other, to my knowledge. That helps. AND she did love our family and we loved her back.

Try to believe that it's possible your inlaws feel like crap about their son's choice but they do love him and at times like this (and my older brother did the same thing), their comments are being measured for "family loyalty" points. I got a lot of flack from my brotherS (3 of the 5) for urging him back to his wife and for not taking "his side" of things. Years later, they see things differently but we have accepted his new wife b/c she didn't do anything (morally) wrong by marrying our brother...

I'm spinning myself into a fit right now. But I'm still so hurt and angry. I hate him. I HATE HIM.

I had an amazing GAL weekend-- drinks with colleagues on Friday. Great day with D and visit with old friends (who are exceptionally loving, kind, positive people) yesterday, and an awesome cooking class today.

Keep this up!

I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to wish him well. What he's done is not right.


Who said you have to wish him well? Or judge his choices? Not me...get back to YOU and YOUR LIFE and GAL....you yourself and Claire....that' enough for now

I know I need to focus on me and all the progress I've made, and all that's good in my life. But right now at this moment my heart is hurting a lot. And I need to let myself feel that right now. I've been through a lot.

Yes you have. And life is there for you to live it and all I'm saying is, "live it well."

He's not the barometer to measure your value with. IF HE wins the lottery that does not make you "flat broke." He's not the indices for your happiness or misery.

Stop caring about that.

And as far as "gee his w is making it so easy on him" goes, let me tell you that few if any people will not also say "what's he really gaining by leaving a woman like that??"

Finally, don't forget that I have 2 family members who divorced and later, years later, remarried...so yes, it happens.