Hi again Heather, I really appreciate you taking the time to post to me, I know how busy you are and all that's happening in your life now! I'm not taking AD's, to tell you the truth, I can't afford to go to the Dr. right now. My W changed our health ins. plan this year over my objections (I think she did it more because I objected, she was in her "defiant" stage at the time)to where we have to meet a huge deductible and until that is met, we have to pay full price for dr's visits and even drugs. She was able to open a health savings plan to help pay for things but I no longer have access to that since it's through her work. To tell you the truth, I am up and down in my moods more now than I had been. I have been trying to learn meditation and I am getting better at it.
You are right about the "victim" feelings. I have found that as my financial sitch has gotten worse, I find myself going back to that victim place in my mind and I really have to work at stopping myself from going there. Add to that my D14 probably is going to be spending less time with me because my W moved so far and it's been harder to stop those feelings from taking over at times. My d14 has introduced me to several of her friends, none of whom have met her mother. I've tried to stay as involved as I can in her life but when all her new friends are so far that when she stays with me she really can't get together with them I can't blame her for wanting to be closer. She has found a way to deal with the new sitch and that is to be as social as she can. In her old school there were only 6 total girls in her class and they had known each other all their lives. Now, with so many kids she is really getting into having an expanded social life. She is much more aware of what she wears, how she looks, who is noticing her and at that age that's the most important thing especially for girls. I so want to be there for her. To share this new part of her life but, especially without money to do things, it's hard being so far away. The only friend she has seen since her mom left is the only other girl from her old life whose parents are D. I don't think that is just coincidence.
I know when I'm lucid that my W isn't the only reason I'm stuck. I can keep telling myself how unfair it is that she abandoned me when I really needed her and moan about how "wrong" she is for doing that and get angry but what does that do for me and my sitch? Nothing! I had the perfect chance to get out of this startup a few months ago but instead I let myself believe that things had changed and it would work when in reality I should have known it was just a temp. upswing. It was just that this job allows me so much more freedom to spend more time with my D14. I saw her mom just not seeming to care and thought that I could take up some of that slack if I stayed and "made" it work. What I should have seen is I can't make something work on my own when I have to count on other people to do their jobs as well. That is a big flaw I have. I think that I have the power to do things on my own that just can't be done alone. I really believed I could save my M if I just did the "right" things. I really didn't think my W would actually go through with it and file. Well, I have learned just how wrong I was.
My W was never comfortable in her own skin. She was always thinking that she was seen by others as not "good enough". She would take something someone said to her and twist it to seem like a slight when it really wasn't meant as one. Then her father would visit and actually say awful things right to her face and she would say he was "only being funny" or that he really didn't mean it THAT way. I never could understand why she did that. Here was a man who actually did say awful things, did do awful things that proved he didn't care about her but she would twist what he said to make herself believe he didn't mean what he had just said. Seems pretty clear to me why my W was so insecure with a father like that but for her to ignore the truth about him and project the lie onto others is just something I will never understand. Of course what does it say about me that I loved this person? What about her was I so attracted to? Why was I so willing to let her behave the way she did? All things about ME and my flaws.
The church is just now talking about changing their stance on D. They are having a council in Rome about it now but that is just a first step and with the church it will be a very long time before any real changes are made. I haven't spoken to a priest as of yet about it but I do know what the church's position is as of now. Very unfair especially now that I have seen that it only takes one person now a days to get a D. In the past unless you had "grounds" or both parties agreed to the D it just couldn't happen. Not anymore, that's for sure. I do know there is no way to get an annulment after 21 years of M and 2 kids! Hard to believe that after all I have gone through trying to stop this from happening that the church could see this as a "sin" on my part.
I did get my first offer of an interview today. It's not the job I wanted and it's far in the wrong direction from where my d14 goes to school so I wouldn't be able to have her stay with me during school if I took this job BUT it's an interview! Who knows what could happen, it may be a stepping stone to getting something better or closer to my D in the future. I really need to work hard at seeing the good in everything that comes my way and this is the first interview offer I have gotten and that is VERY good.
The best support I have gotten since all this started is right here from you and all the others here. I really don't know what i would do without all of you! Thanks Heather!
