Nitty in a Nutshell #2

[Nitty]

Jack, thank you. I believe I'm waiting for the bad because I don't think H is "done" yet. I don't believe we are in "piecing" yet. He is coming back, slowly, yes, but he is not there yet.

I went through an extremely painful experience. It changed me. I worked on myself, changed myself for the better. A lot of good has come from this. I can see how I moved forward and he how has not. In fact, I feel like he wants me to go back to where he is right now, rather than try to catch up. I don't know how to explain it any better than that.

Journaling: the Good Stuff

Got two dates this week with Mr. Gritty, but not on Friday; that's the 20th anniversary of an annual neighborhood party we've always attended together. This year I'll be going solo because he refuses to be "judged" by our neighbors. They all hope he'll come home soon, but he believes they're judging him. That's his reality so I accept it.

The Not So Great Stuff:

He took me to his office after hours, a place I haven't been in over nine months. Difficult, because that's OW's domain but she doesn't do much overtime so there was little chance of running into her. I've got to prep myself for running into her. It's going to happen eventually.

First thing I notice? All photos of me are gone from his office. Our Ss' pix are there, none of me.

I shouldn't have done this, but I tried to make a joke out of it. "I guess I lost star billing in the office, hunh!" and pointed at our Ss' pix. He knew right away what I was talking about. "Well, we were getting D! I thought we were over!"

He opened a drawer and there was the nice 5" x 7" of me. In the drawer. As we were leaving he surreptitiously put the photo back in the drawer. I didn't let on that I noticed.

I'd say he's not committed yet, at least not in front of OW or her friends or his office in general.

Mindreading? Maybe.

The Bad:

He hasn't rescheduled our MC appointment. He says he will when he has time, that he believes our just spending time together is rebuilding, that we don't need MC to get through it. Aren't we doing just fine without it? I think he believes having a series of fun dates will repair everything that's happened.

I told him I need to feel safe in our reconciliation, and him going to MC helps me feel safe. He says he gets it, that my needs are important, too, but it has to wait because he's really busy at work.

See, Jack, what I mean? He's made tremendous strides. He stopped the D that he started. I am very grateful that we can work on the M in a safer environment.

And yet there IS a bee in the rose, I can hear it buzzing. It may fly away and that would be great, but until it does I'm not going to let it sting me again.