I never said it would be easy. You still have to put in work, the only difference now is you have two people fighting FOR the marriage, rather then one.
Originally Posted By: T0324
So I do think H is making an effort. Not as much as august-September but still making an effort. A couple weeks ago he wasn't making much of an effort and was semi distant during the time I found out about the text and we had an argument. I ended up having to work several days in a row so I found when I backed off (I was busy at work, no texting, was short with my responses) he pursued further. We do have a lot of work to do and he knows that as well. I guess a big thing is that he still wants to go to C when pre DB he wouldn't be caught dead in a C office.
Good, stay the course, and keep moving forward. Don't forget to keep putting DB principles into action (experimenting, communicating, etc.) and don't be afraid to broaden some other marriage help (retreats, encounters, workshops, etc.).
(In my best Halloween voice): But beware, be conscious you are not exclusively trying to repair the OLD marriage, work toward creating something NEW.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Yes I agree it needs to be a new marriage and I believe H was all for that. But now he is getting comfortable. Not as much effort as the beginning. I mean quite normal of all relationships to pursue the way he did in the beginning. I have tried bringing it up and he says he is just stressed with work and all we have going on.
I get it and I try to validate it but honestly I don't want excuses.. We had different stressors the last few months and it didn't stop him from being more affectionate. When he is distant it makes me wonder what else is going on.
I'm ready for a getaway again. We just had his parents in town for the last 2 weeks. Both of my work commuter cars have broken down and we are still in the middle of a bathroom and kitchen remodel. All while dealing with an active lawsuit. So I get it.. Were busy. I just don't want to get in trouble again.
I've realized something I do that I imagine drives him nuts. I stress out about things. Especially things I can't control. And I want his reassurance that things will be okay. For example - when the car broke down I didn't find out until after we had put the boys to bed and then he tells me. I am up stressing all night about it.. Can we fix it? How much is it going to cost? How will I get to work? Blah blah. So I'm really trying to make a conscious effort to step back and let things be. We have MC again this week. This will only be our 4th time going since September. The C would like to see us more often but it's pretty far away. However I'm now done with my second job so we should have more time.
We are taking the boys to the mountains for Thanksgiving. I had requested the time off during our S and planned on taking the boys alone so now H wants to go with us. He also booked a cabin for our annual Christmas-New Years vacation in the mountains up north. It was a nice change that he took the initiative and booked the cabin so I don't have to worry about it
've realized something I do that I imagine drives him nuts. I stress out about things. Especially things I can't control. And I want his reassurance that things will be okay. For example - when the car broke down I didn't find out until after we had put the boys to bed and then he tells me. I am up stressing all night about it.. Can we fix it? How much is it going to cost? How will I get to work? Blah blah. So I'm really trying to make a conscious effort to step back and let things be. We have MC again this week. This will only be our 4th time going since September. The C would like to see us more often but it's pretty far away. However I'm now done with my second job so we should have more time.
I think this really needs to be addressed in counseling. Make sure he get it. My H always waited till I had my hand on the doorknob ready to leave for work.....then he started telling me everything that was due, and anything else that could have been said the previously. What stressed me was that it usually caused me to push the clock getting to work on time. I started asking him if there was anything I needed to know, in plenty of time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
....Both of my work commuter cars have broken down and
....we are still in the middle of a bathroom and kitchen remodel.
....All while dealing with an active lawsuit.
....I'm now done with my second job so we should have more time.
....We are taking the boys to the mountains for Thanksgiving.
.... He also booked a cabin for our annual Christmas-New Years vacation in the mountains up north.
So, I need to dance around this pretty lightly. Because I don't want to scare you off, or offend you. But I do want you to take a hard look at this. Plus I really don't want to be a party pooper. But:
Previously, you mentioned finances had been an issue with your R. But the things I list from your quote (while not exactly champagne and caviar type extravagant) are pretty big financial considerations.
Do you and H ever do any budgeting? or have communication about finances, or what your financial position is?
By no means am I suggesting you move to cut all expenses and move to Ramen Noodles as your nutrition source.... But man you both have a lot going on right now, plus you will see a net decrease in income as the 2nd job is now gone.
I am not looking for you to justify anything, but internally, actually put pen to paper and see what is coming in, and what is going out (be honest). If you are anything close to a negative, you should really consider some financial counseling as well.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Sandi - I agree it needs to be addressed but his problem is more of not telling me until I ask.. He says he forgets if he doesn't tell me right at the time and he doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work. So I ask a lot of things but need a long term solution on how for him to let me know of things without me asking. Any thoughts?
Wounded - yes we have ALOT going on, that's always been the theme of our life hence the stress. The lawsuit is actually a good thing but still time consuming and mine alone to deal with. It's against our home insurance company for refusing to cover a claim from 2 years ago in the amount of 20k that we had to come out of pocket. So it has been stressful. But I just got word this week that the insurance is willing to settle. It's not exactly what we wanted but I'm willing to take a small cut just to be done and avoid trial. So it will be good to re cooperate what has been spent and cross the lawsuit off the list.
The bathroom and kitchen remodel is slow and steady and yes me being done with my second job cuts a LARGE amount of money coming in. But finances are separated and we split everything 50/50 so we both have enough to cover bills. He took a pay cut so he isn't making as much as he was and won't have enough to save each month but it should be temporary for him. I'm making enough to live comfortably and save a little each month. I'm also still picking up 1-2 extra shifts a month which brings in a pretty decent amount.. I've paid all my credit cards off so beyond my car loan and mortgage I'm debt free guess working all those crazy hours during our S paid off. H on the other hand acquired a lot of debt but that's on him and he's working on paying it off.
We do have money in investment accounts and the boys college is prepaid. We aren't rich by any means. However finances have been an issue for us before BD because I want to be saving money and planning for a rainy day/future and H doesn't seem to manage money very well. He does a lot of frivolous spending. So in all we are both working on paying all of our debt off. We are really hoping to refinance our house soon because we bought when I was 18 and the market was way better so our interest rate is high but we are slightly upside down. So we are stuck which stinks! Anyway. Sorry for the tmi about finances. Hopefully you understand a little better
Sandi - I agree it needs to be addressed but his problem is more of not telling me until I ask.. He says he forgets if he doesn't tell me right at the time and he doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work. So I ask a lot of things but need a long term solution on how for him to let me know of things without me asking. Any thoughts?
What if your H texted you the information? That way he can get it done when it is still on his mind, but it won't disturb you at work?
What if your H texted you the information? That way he can get it done when it is still on his mind, but it won't disturb you at work?
That's usually how we communicate if there's something we need to talk about while I am working. Part of me believes this is something he needs to work on. I had mentioned part of something I realized about the two of us is he avoids confrontation. Me - let's just work it out and move forward because I hate letting things fester. I think we have to come to some sort of compromise. If anyone has any advice... I'm hoping to broach this subject in MC. H is forgetful. He really is but there has to be ways to conquer some of that. Maybe I can say something along the lines when we are on the subject of when something comes up just shoot me a text and if either one of us are busy we can talk about it when we have time or get home from work but at least it will be in text reminding us so we can't forget about it.
TO324 thanks for the response on finances. No it was not TMI, gives a pretty good picture. Now the crux of my answer would be... ok never mind.
But I will throw something out from the cheap seats:
Financially you seem to have a good awareness of where you are, and where you need to be. While its good you have concerns and awareness of H's finances, that is his issue to conquer. Not that you were focusing on his problem.... quite the opposite. You seem to have this well in hand (and don't worry, its OK to vent here).
Keep staying the course in this.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
So I have a dilemma and am so very angry but trying to handle this in the best DB way possible
H and I have made plans to leave next week for the mountains to see some of my family and stay through the weekend. Well H sends me a text today saying the boys and I can leave whenever we want. He isn't going, he can't afford to go and his boss can't pay him to be off Thursday and Friday and he can't afford to miss work.
So I haven't responded besides an okay. It was all I could muster up. I am fuming. He had no problem going on how many vacations all summer and standing the boys and I up for an 8 day cruise out of the country so I took 2 young ones alone. I mean whatever it was no big deal but the principle is how can you afford all of that all summer and now you can't afford to miss 2 days at work?!
I'm just so over getting the short end of the stick. I want to feel like the boys and I are a priority. He made every vacation with that family multiple times. But now his own he can't. He told me nothing will ever be good enough for me and all I care about is money! WTh! I said please tell me one time that I've brought up money with you since you came back. He said well you haven't but I know you think that. I said please do not put words in my mouth.
Anyway. I'm just really frustrated. Going to go home from work and take a hot shower and go to bed. Nothing good will come of this tonight. I should have been used to being a single parent over the summer. It's just disappointing they the man that came home in August has seemed to have vanished lately and Thais not something I'm willing to put up with.
I'm sorry to hear that. Is it possible that it's not really about the money but he is anxious about spending time with your family (being judged or not accepted)?
Or, is it possible that it is about the money, but the trips last summer were paid for by his old boss?
I feel like now, when you are actually in a relationship, is when the DB techniques are really useful. So many of us are just trying to get to where you are... but as I've heard, the piecing and reconciling is even harder than what came before that. It is so easy to fall back into old patterns.
But one person can change the dynamic. What can you do differently this time? What effect might it have if you "let him off the hook" resentment and anger free this time?
