I know the issue of the OM1 is a hot button topic. But this issue has been with you since the day you were married so let’s deal with it honestly.
When I say, “honestly” I want to take your narrative out of the conversation and give you a true reality check of the situation.
I agree OM1 is dislikeable. I agree that, by everything I have heard—you are the superior choice for a husband.
But—and this is a big but—You were married during your pursuit of your current wife. OM1 may have had a girlfriend…but you had a wife.
When you and your current wife (then your girlfriend) broke up—you should have gone back to your wife and worked on your marriage. No excuses. You had no right being in any woman’s life other than the woman you exchanged marriage vows with—period.
Yes--OM1 appears to have been a terrible boyfriend but—at all times--he was legally free to marry your wife. He had not promised to love, honor and be faithful until death to another woman while he was impregnating your wife.
So, by the time your current wife became pregnant with OM1’s child—YOU should have been nowhere to be found because YOU should have been busy patching up your marriage. But you weren’t. You went to your current wife and “picked up the pieces” when OM1 dump her. Your concern was not to repair the relationship with your ex but to win back the (then) ex-girlfriend who was pregnant with another man’s baby.
Do you understand how skewed this thinking was?
You history indicates you engage in behavior that benefits you. Then you justify it by vilifying others.
If you don’t believe me re-read how you justified divorcing your first wife.
You have repeatedly vilified OM1 for his actions to your current wife. And, I am not disagreeing with you. All this may be true…but even if he was the worst man on earth: You should have stayed out of it.
Because you were married. And when you and your girlfriend broke up you should have gone home and repaired your marriage. But you didn’t. You wanted your current wife.
Listen to the words you use. You “picked up the pieces and chose to give this child a father and a home.” Very noble. Except you leave out the rest of the story:
You shouldn’t have been there to “pick up the pieces and chose to give this child a father and a home.” By the time there was a need to “pick up the pieces” you should have been nowhere to be found because you show have been on the path to restoring your marriage with your first wife.
So, yes. You do have something to “repair” and “amend.”
As long as you think you did your wife a favor by marrying her you will never save your marriage. If I can see this behavior so can she.
How would you feel if your wife believed she did you a “favor” by marrying you?
Stop it.
This pious attitude is soul crushing and you need a reality check.
You think you did your wife a favor by rescuing her but the truth is you don’t know what damage you did to her relationship with OM1 by being in the picture. For all you know, if you hadn’t been there to “pick up the pieces” maybe he wouldn’t have denied his daughter for 5 years. Maybe he would have realized her value and left his other girlfriend and married her. The only thing you have is speculation based on what you believe the future may have held.
You don’t know what her future really would have been.
But if you get completely honest—you know what your future really should have been. And you know what you should have done. You knew right from wrong as a husband but you choose wrong.
Fine.
But at least be honest about your choices.
Admit you don’t know what would have happened to her if you would have stayed with your first wife. Admit there is a possibility that she may have married the father of her child. Admit you interfered in something you should not have interfered in because you wanted something you should not have wanted.
So, yes. You did encroach. You did not rescue or save.
You honestly don’t know what you did to their relationship because you haven’t been paying attention.
So take the blinders off your eyes and stop seeing yourself as her Savior. As the “better man.” As the person who rescued your wife from this awful, horrible man who abandoned her and her child.
You took what you wanted and you did it at the high cost of your marriage vows. You had the option of going back to your ex but it wasn’t an option you wanted. Divorced people fight to get their spouse back all the time. You didn’t fight for your ex-wife. You fought for your ex-girlfriend.
Have a reality check about your role. You fought dirty and you won. Okay. But be honest with yourself about it and stop pretending that your motives were noble. You waited for an opportunity to strike and you took it.
Although I think your actions were noble there is no doubt your motives were not.
You wanted your current wife and you were willing to step over your ex and anyone else to get her. Please stop acting as if there was some act of altruism behind your marriage.
Now, regarding the inappropriate text/photo exchange: To be clear, I haven’t said a word about this issue yet. I actually have something to say about this but not now. This issue needs to be addressed but this is not the appropriate time to address it.
However, I will comment about the fact that you brought it up just now: I have noticed when you feel cornered you tattle on your wife.
Jefe, I think your greatest asset is your heart. It is huge. You have an amazing capacity for love and forgiveness. If you embrace this asset I truly believe you will be irresistible to your wife.
But I think your greatest liability is the need to be vindicated when you believe you have been wronged. If you embrace this quality you will surely lose your wife.
