I can only speak for me. I didnt love myself. Not really. When this began, I realized a great many things about me. Some good, some not good. I didnt see myself as lovable because two of the most important relationships in life...my mother and my h, didnt value me and didnt think I was enough.
I know now that I am the only one that gets to define my worth. But I allowed them to do that. When I looked at who I was, it wasnt the person I wanted to be.
I think expecting someone to make us happy is a terrible burden to put on someone. Imagine being responsible for someone else's happiness.
So I had to learn to be good within myself. I had to learn that I was worthy and enough. I had to choose joy in my life. Everyday. In the people in it. In the things around me. It was my choice.
A partner shouldnt determine your happiness. They should add to a life you find joy in. For me, finding that including being really good with who I was. Happiness and joy really are choices we can make.
Backslides are going to happen, S. Its what you do with them that matters. Letting go is one of the hardest things in all of this. It is counterintuitive to what you think you should be doing.
And no, it doesnt work that way...where he should stop what he is doing because you are hurting. The truth is that he is hurting, too. It may not seem that way, but, he is. No one's happiness is more important than another's.
You will get to the place of detachment when you get there. We all do this in our own time and in our own way.
It helped me to remember that having those thoughts about what his actions meant wasnt serving me well because I couldnt possibly know. So, why continue to watch them?
Faith matters. Sometimes we have to take the first step even when we cant see the whole staircase.
Good on you for how you handled that with your daughter. You are fortunate that he has stepped up. You did the right thing in telling him what you did..
You asked about my changes. There were plenty of them. I took what my h said and looked at them. I determined which ones had merit and threw the rest away. I looked at who I wanted to be. While I looked at what he said, I didnt make the changes because he said them. I made them because I could see that I wanted to change those things about me.
If you are looking and wondering why he doesnt see the changes, then they arent for you. I got to a point where it didnt matter to me if he saw or not. What mattered is that I was good with them.
I can understand not wanting to be in the house. Why not make changes to it? Make it more you. Make new good memories in it with your daughter.
I can see where the move would mean a fresh start, but, you still have to take you with you, ya know? Im not saying it wouldnt be good for you. I dont know that. Only you do. I am just saying that it doesnt matter where you are, you still have to do the work or it comes with you.
