Mozza (2)

[Mozza]

Thanks a lot MrBond for stopping by. Much appreciated.

I might have missed it but did you read the DB/DR books? There are many things that you seem to be just realizing but are detailed in the books.

Not yet. I've ordered DR last week and expect it by the end of this week. It would be good to have them available as ebooks, considering the kind of emergency situation in which we seek them. In the meantime, I'm reading The 5 Love Languages and I have No More Mr. Nice Guy waiting in the wings.

"YES! Today, I realized that she has a problem with reality more than with me. '

To a degree, but I've noticed in your posts you've been slowly switching from you taking responsibility to it being more of her own issue.

I'm moving between the two day to day as I refine my understanding of the causes for the S. For instance, in three days I explored her potential hypomania based on some strange behavior, then I noted an email from April clearly laying out her dissatisfaction with the R, and the following day I found that email from 2009 suggesting she clings to unrealistic expectations. To be clear, I believe that the root causes of the separation are in the R. It simply provided a fertile ground to external triggers such as the new job, flirtatious colleagues, alcohol, mental issues, bad friend, etc.

I mean she said that you were critical of her. What were some examples?

Here are a few:

• I would complain that she is so disorganized and sloppy that I've to go check on things after her.
• She spent a year at home jobless yet never cleaned the house. I never got upset, but tried to convince her several times.
• I would ask her to get to the point when telling me a story.
• I'd get into rhetorical nuances to interpret her wording or phrasing.
• I would often assume that she had ill intentions when she didn't.
• I wouldn't answer her questions for which the answer was obvious to me.

As a result, she would say that she was walking on eggshells at home, always afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.

Did you always have anger issues? You must be seeing a C for something.

I started seeing a therapist a couple of days after the S talks started and before the "official" separation a few days later. The purpose was to work on all issues that I was bringing to the R: criticism, withdrawal, impatience, anger, etc. I never thought I had an "anger" problem before and in fact it was mentioned with my therapist for the first time this week when I brought it up. This being said, I'm still researching anger management and I might very well fall under the definition. To clarify, I've never physically assaulted or even threatened my wife, but I did raise my voice in arguments and snap at her or sulk. I had a girlfriend, with whom I wasn't comfortable, nickname me 'Mr Grumpy' years ago. This is all a surprise to my friends because they never see this side of me, but it's been real in my R.