SS, I know it doesnt seem like it, but, you are still early into this.
I came kicking and screaming into DBing. Trust me on that. I would say to the vets then, "Are you people crazy? You want me to let him go? How is that going to serve me?"
Until I got it. Here's what I learned. The sooner you come to the acceptance of what is, the sooner you get unstuck. You dont have to like it, but, you do have to accept it.
I learned that no one can make us happy and it must come from within. When you learn that, the real healing begins. We can’t really love someone else, until we love ourselves.
When I began this, I made a roadmap. I started to think about some questions I wanted to ask myself. What did I want to see when I looked back? Who did I want to see? What did I want to show my son?
I knew I wanted to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I did everything possible to save my marriage. I wanted to be able to say I acted with dignity, courage, strength and grace. I wanted to see that I had grown and changed. I didn’t want to fail at this opportunity of showing my son how to get through life’s tough parts. I wanted to know that I did nothing to interfere or cause harm to my son's relationship with his father.
So, with this roadmap, I figured out how to move forward and detach. I learned to believe in me. I knew that I trusted in Him. I knew because of that, I would be ok.
I learned that the hardest part in all this is in letting go. But, that is the greatest act of love. It doesn’t mean you are giving up. It doesn’t mean you do not care. It is saying that you hear your spouse; you honor their feelings, and cherish them enough to lovingly allow them to walk their journey.
With that mindset, you begin to detach in that their actions and words do not affect your actions and words. You are allowing them to live their life, and figure themselves out and you are allowing yourself to do the same.
When it is time, the hope is that no matter what, you come to a place of forgiveness. That is so important. You do not want to carry that anger and bitterness around with you forever. It saps your energy. It weighs you down. Forgiveness is a way to honor your relationship, your marriage. It is an acceptance of what is and the letting go of expecting something different.
SS, I know how devastating this is. I know that you feel lost and powerless. Please know you will not always feel that way. You will get through this. You will be ok. You will come out the other side stronger and wiser.
Your h is lost right now. He is trying to figure out what is wrong. He cannot deal with knowing that his D will be hurt.
I know that as parents, we want to shield our children from everything we can. Here's the truth of this. If you are ok, your d will be ok. I am not saying it isnt going to be hard. I am saying that you are her touchstone. She will be looking to you to determine how she feels. Show her someone strong and loving.
As far as the changes, they have to be for you S. If they arent, then they arent real. They have to be consistent and long term. He isnt ready to see any of that yet. He has a long road ahead. Leave him to it.
Get on your path. Feel what you feel than let it wash over you. You cannot change the past. You cannot force him to see things. That only person you have control over right now...is you.
Be the person you want to be today...for you and your daughter.
You have to let go of the life you imagined and begin to see the life you can create. It may look different, but different isnt bad. You can make it anything you choose. How powerful is that?
