Inside my chrysalis 6

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Ss, I'm sure labug will respond to your questions and concerns. I'd like to offer you thoughts as a fellow struggler. EDIT: Sorry for the novel. I've had this open in the background all afternoon at work today and kept adding things as I thought of them. I tried to stay within my own experience so far.

Does a opening up to it mean acceptance?

Depends on what you're accepting. Accept reality, but nothing more. Your H left, has blamed your for all of his and your problems, your D is hurting right now, you are tremendously underemployed at the moment. But it doesn't mean you should accept the fears you have for you and your D's future.

I am really trying but it is a lot to ask to succumb to the life someone else has chosen for you, you know?

YES, that is a huge challenge. I struggle with this very often, and it is still one of the biggest challenges that faces me everyday. I always wanted to be a good H and had no idea my W was unhappy. It feels unjust to learn about her struggles after it was too late to do anything about my contribution to it. But the days I dwell on those thoughts are my worst days, and wishing for a different past does nothing for me. It is not the "good" kind of pain. It feels like self-torture to me.

Add to that the impact on D that H seems to ignore because he doesn't want to face that this could actually be hard on her (lest he feel guilty) and acceptance seems silly and almost cruel. I realize that fighting it is futile... Is there no middle ground?

I'm not quite sure what you mean by a middle ground, but this is not strictly a discrete choice between two or three options (futile resistance, fearful flight or hopeless succumbence). You know that fighting and resisting your H's decisions is not the way to go. I'm not suggesting that you moving to NorCal is simply "flight"...that might be the best option for your life going forward! More on that below, though. But there is much more to embracing reality than just "giving in". Right now reality is terrible for us (and especially you at the moment...I could be back there with you any day or moment ), but it won't stay that way forever. You and D7 have a beautiful life ahead of you, with or without your M to WAH. I know you've heard these words here many times, and I don't expect you to be suddenly filled with joy at reading them one more time. Just know that those of us that write things like this to you truly believe you will feel this way someday, too, especially if you stick with DBing.

I mean, my life right now consists of a part time, hopefully temporary job, possible temporary living arrangements, awkward holidays... How does one open up to that? How do I create some permanence, consistency, predictability for D and I?

I, too am somewhat dreading the holidays, my first with split custody of D2. I am waiting around for my house to sell so that I can move into my mom's basement for a while. I don't have any sage advice for you here. I just want you to know I'm walking that part of the struggle with you. I know we're just anonymous people on a message board, but I really do think about Ss06, Maybell, Ahoy and others throughout my day. I will say this...what has kept me from falling into depression with these things IS accepting reality and trying to find things in these situations that do make me happy, even the tiniest things. Selling my house? I never liked having the laundry 2 floors away from the bedrooms. Moving in with my mom? I will be moving into the guest suite that has an awesome, cozy wood-burning stove/fireplace. And I know that this is just a phase. With or without WAW, someday I will find a place of my own that I love again. Somedays it is just too much for the "little sweet things" to outweigh the dread. But keep searching for them and you might find a day or two when you can see a light. Is there anything at all about your BR job that makes you happy? It doesn't have to be life-fulfilling happiness because this is not a lifetime job. Same thing with the holidays. I know what will su*k about them. What is something you could look forward to?

I think that's why this NorCal job is so tempting. Change big enough to start over. Granted, I'm seeing some escapism on my part in the decision but I'm looking at that. It may not be the best idea but I haven't even been granted an interview yet so it's not like I'm moving next week.

I know you will not make a hasty decision if it comes to that. Also, not a single person on this forum can tell you if a move to NorCal is the best decision for your and D7. When you get to a detached place, you will be able to make that decision. You know the advice we've given you so far, though (grass is not always greener, but also there are ways to make that work if it is best for you and your family). Also, I'm sure you didn't mean it literally, but nothing you do will be a clean "restart". But like labug and other survivors/vets have said, they wouldn't want to start over if they could. I believe you and I (and everyone else in the midst of this here) will say the same thing in the future. (Right now I still sometimes lean towards the "I wish I could go back in time WITH my new knowledge" fantasy silly me).

And labug, I am a survivor but I am brought to my knees when I think about D. I can't make this stop for her, protect her from it. Part of me despises H for thinking she's "fine" and will continue to be "fine". He doesn't want to face his decision as being hard on anyone but himself and I never knew he could be that kind of man. It makes me cringe to think I picked someone who could do this to her and convince himself that it's not that big of a deal. I just can't reconcile that.

You're right, you can't make it stop for her, and there's only so much from which you can protect her. It is naïve (foggy?) for him to believe that she is fine. She is in great pain. She can heal and grow, too, though. He could also simply be trying to convince himself of the lie to make his decision easier to make (speaking in absolute negatives), like every other WAS here does. I was reading through the piecing board the other day for some inspiration and read from some ex-LBS whose WAW had came back and admitted that she willfully ignored or forgot about memories or thoughts that made it more difficult for her to leave. They all do it. If he let himself believe that he was harming his D7, he would cause himself a self-inflicted wound. His fog is allowing him to avoid this. So don't believe him, don't even believe that he believes it.

And know this: You DIDN'T pick that kind of man. None of us would have picked our WAS's as they are now. They are not the same person right now. They will never be the same old person again. But who knows what kind of person they will be in the future. If he truly loves his D, when he comes out of his fog, whether he recommits to the M or not, I would hope there is a great chance that he recommits to D7. Will that happen? Who knows at this point, so don't waste too much energy wondering about what he will do. You have no control over what path he decides to walk. D7's long term happiness and growth doesn't totally depend on him, either.

I want to get to a place where I'm ok with all of this unpredictability, hurt, struggle but I'm definitely not there yet. I can't really imagine ever getting there but you've done it so I have hope. I'll keep doing the work.

You can't be expected to get there on any kind of timeline. It is your journey. Just keep walking. We're all walking with you, whether we're being wheeled in on a stretcher (sometimes me), limping through rehab (sometimes me, as well) or striding on the other side of our life (labug, sandi, Bond, Wonka, others).

And, if I'm making all these changes and YOU all can see that, why is H so closed off and blind to my changes?

Because seeing those changes makes his decision to leave more difficult and "on him". Of course the point of your changes is not to make him feel guilty. But if you were doing nothing to change yourself and suggest a different possibility for your M, if you were begging and pleading like many LBS's, or if you were reacting angrily and insanely like many other LBS's, you would have already made the decision for him. You might feel like you are spiraling out of control, but he is much further from reality than you are at the moment.