What you DON'T do (and maybe this is what you mean by your question) is start laying out "Well let me TELL ya, this is what it's going to take for me to take you back!" when your spouse is still wayward, looking at you like you're nuts, and saying "Um, dear, who said anything about me even WANTING to come back??!"
Yeah, that's where I was going with my question. For example, demanding commitment to rebuild the marriage, and having her take ownership of mistakes, wrong-doings, etc.
Thanks.
No, that is not the time for those demands. The boundaries that should be set early are "I will not live in an open marriage" (the biggie), and things like "No texting or calling OM/OW from inside of our marital home," or "No spending family funds on your affair" -- that sort of thing.
Wow. Good stuff here Starsky! Is your thread still active? I'd love to read your story. If not, could you outline some of the key things you did to fight for her, and perhaps which one(s) you think were the most crucial to your success? Thanks.
I used to post both as "Chocolateeyes" and then as "Puppy Dog Tails" before becoming "Starsky" (long story, lol). My links are below -- I'm pretty sure they still work.
could you outline some of the key things you did to fight for her, and perhaps which one(s) you think were the most crucial to your success? Thanks.
My wife told me after we reconciled that the most important things were:
1. The way I fought for our marriage and our family;
2. The loss of my friendship while she was having her affair (and I told her I had absolutely zero intention of being her friend, much less her BEST friend, if she decided to end our marriage like this, by having an affair and lying to everyone about it);
3. The disapproval of her parents and our adult daughters, to whom I exposed her affair*
*(exposure is NOT advocated by DB/DR; I'm just answering mindsin's question).
Yeah, that's where I was going with my question. For example, demanding commitment to rebuild the marriage, and having her take ownership of mistakes, wrong-doings, etc.
And that's the difference between controlling behavior and healthy boundaries.
Controlling: "You need to stop the affair immediately!!"
Boundary: "If you continue with your affair, I will be forced to ... protect family funds, protect the children, eventually end the marriage, etc."
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Yeah, that's where I was going with my question. For example, demanding commitment to rebuild the marriage, and having her take ownership of mistakes, wrong-doings, etc.
And that's the difference between controlling behavior and healthy boundaries.
Controlling: "You need to stop the affair immediately!!"
Boundary: "If you continue with your affair, I will be forced to ... protect family funds, protect the children, eventually end the marriage, etc."
