Just to be clear, theoden and Starsky's approaches are in regard to the situation AFTER the cheating WAW has shown a willingness to work on their marriage again, correct?
If the WAW is still very much engaged in the A with the OM, and has made no indication to reconcile, then I would think "standing ground" would simply drive her away faster (according to DB principles), no?
That's a very good question.
But...part of the way you act during your WAW's affair may have an impact on her willingness to work on the marriage.
A hard-line doesn't necessarily mean you're a jerk or manipulative. It means you have some non-negotiables, which means you are person with a spine and worth respecting. . You are solid and trust-able. In addition, you may need to protect your children, finances and health, so hard-lines are sometimes necessary. The same idea in DB is there when it tells you not to chase, beg or plead. It's unattractive to be a doormat.
Sometimes boundaries are attractive.
It's something to be balanced. What will attract your spouse in the fog of an affair? On the spectrum between milquetoast and intransigent idiot, what is the wise choice?
My personal experience was I tried to GAL, 180 and "nice" my wife back into the marriage and I found it to be very exhausting. When my wife was ready to try working on the marriage, she had already taken an attitude of entitlement (she has right to have an affair), and did not show any remorse. I needed those things to trust her. In addition she was rewarded with a new and improved husband to reward her for her infidelity. Also the "new and improved" Theoden couldn't keep it up for long. I am who I am. And she was only coming back to a marriage as long as I was the better option. New problems arose and she moved on to OM #2.
In hindsight I could have saved a lot of time (years) if I just took a hard-line and gave her an ultimatum.
This doesn't mean that the softer, non-confrontational approach doesn't work. I'm just speaking from my failed attempts.
