Do I walk away from WAW? (2)

[GoatGal]

1foot2,

If at all possible, try to avoid "telling" her anything about your consequences. Sometimes you can back yourself into a corner where you can't get out.

If you can let LIFE teach her by letting things happen naturally, you'll be better off.

I would suggest taking no action either way unless there really is a pressing issue. Listen, validate, and be the best parent you can be.

If she wants to know what transpired between S and teacher, let HER ask about it.

Set the stage for her to put on her BGPs and face reality.

If she has a question about something that happened with your son, you do not need to be the go-between, nor do you need to smooth things over between her and other family members/friends.
You need to protect and support your children, but that doesn't have to include covering for her. She has to own that.

She needs to take responsibility for her own feelings and actions. The way to make that happen is for you to stop doing it.

You don't have to be rude about it; you can just say, "It might be easier if you just asked him what happened."
There is no condemnation or judgement in that statement. It just is sensible parenting. She doesn't need you as an interpreter.

As for her not "wanting to feel like the bad guy". That's understandable!
Wouldn't it be great if we could all just do whatever we pleased with no repercussions?
I think for flying by the seat of your pants by saying "I understand that" was pretty darn good. Anything along those lines is good.

"Yes, I know it's a difficult situation/hard to know how to handle it sometimes/uncomfortable predicament/tough place to be right now..." and leave it at that.

You're not disagreeing that it s*cks to be the bad guy, but you're not rescuing her from her actions either.
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But IT'S NOT YOUR JOB to help her feel better about what she'd doing.

It's also not your job to help her feel worse. (That'll drive her away for sure.)

You're just sort of---neutral. You validate and move on.

As for boundaries, that's a bit harder.

You can't "make" her do anything.
So they've got to be about what you will/will not tolerate for the health and well-being of yourself and your family. And what you do when she crosses one of them. No need to state the consequences. After a while it'll become apparent what will happen if she does x, y. z.
You can, however, state your boundaries if the situation arises.

"I will not do x. y. z..."

I'm not sure you need to tell her that you think this or that, (like it's ok for son to tell his teacher.)
Does she CARE whether or not YOU think it's good or bad? Most of the time, they're not caring a whole heck of a lot what we think or feel. Why burden them with that?

Cut to the chase and let your ACTIONS say it for you.

Yes, it would nice to agree on how this should be presented to the kids, but don't expect her to be on board with what you think "should" happen.
Trying to have even a reasonable "agenda" can feel like pressure to her.
(Certain exceptions apply, of course. Your kids come first. But make it about THEM, not about what you think or feel should be done.)

You can only control yourself, so if you feel it's reasonable that the kids should be able to express their emotions to trustworthy adults, you might just say:
"I am not going to tell my children that they can't talk to trusted adults about what they're going through, or any problems they might have."

If this is your stance and is agreement with your values as a parent, you don't need her permission. It cuts both ways. You can talk to your kids and support them in their choices, without cutting her down.
If they say "Well, mom said she doesn't want us doing x", you can ask them what THEY feel is the right thing to do for them. And then support their decision if it's a healthy one.

You don't need to say she's wrong, or anything else. You're the adult and you can steer the conversation to "I want you kids to always feel comfortable and safe, that's the most important thing."

Period. Don't make it about her. It's about the children.

You don't even need to imply that it's because of her actions. She knows that, and it also applies to ANYTHING the kids might be experiencing at any time that has nothing to do with your W and your M.

If they say something to her that she doesn't like and it gets back to you, you can simply reiterate to her:
"I told them I supported them talking about how they feel to adults they trust." Which is TOTALLY FINE of you to do.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a parent, but I was a social worker for many years and worked closely with troubled families and extreme parenting situations. So I have some experience which is pretty objective.

I would love to hear more what other parents have to say on this.

Hang in there,

--(G)GGG