Open yourself up to the it as much as you can. Say yes to the life you have now, it may not be what you would have chosen but it's the one you have. It can be beautiful and when we decide to be in control of just us and our happiness NO ONE can take that from us.
Does a opening up to it mean acceptance? I am really trying but it is a lot to ask to succumb to the life someone else has chosen for you, you know? Add to that the impact on D that H seems to ignore because he doesn't want to face that this could actually be hard on her (lest he feel guilty) and acceptance seems silly and almost cruel. I realize that fighting it is futile... Is there no middle ground?
I mean, my life right now consists of a part time, hopefully temporary job, possible temporary living arrangements, awkward holidays... How does one open up to that? How do I create some permanence, consistency, predictability for D and I?
I think that's why this NorCal job is so tempting. Change big enough to start over. Granted, I'm seeing some escapism on my part in the decision but I'm looking at that. It may not be the best idea but I haven't even been granted an interview yet so it's not like I'm moving next week.
And labug, I am a survivor but I am brought to my knees when I think about D. I can't make this stop for her, protect her from it. Part of me despises H for thinking she's "fine" and will continue to be "fine". He doesn't want to face his decision as being hard on anyone but himself and I never knew he could be that kind of man. It makes me cringe to think I picked someone who could do this to her and convince himself that it's not that big of a deal. I just can't reconcile that.
I want to get to a place where I'm ok with all of this unpredictability, hurt, struggle but I'm definitely not there yet. I can't really imagine ever getting there but you've done it so I have hope. I'll keep doing the work.
And, if I'm making all these changes and YOU all can see that, why is H so closed off and blind to my changes?
