I think it is because we are here. We are DB'g. We are trying to grow. However, the feelings, often justified, of being wronged, of being treated unfairly seep through in unusual ways.
I am thankful that my W didn't get ugly. She just wanted out. She wasn't in an open affair or neglectful of her children. I can hate her decisions. I won't hate her.
rali, take what you can from this experience. Even now, when things seem to be spiraling, you can DB. Or simply observe. You will learn things that you can use in the future. I can't remember if you are open to reconciliation post-D, but even if all you can do is be present and listen in your H's presence, do it.
Oy- Are you ready for the book? Obviously this has been at the forefront of my mind since the latest bombshell which was a whopper.
Yes- I suppose I'm open to reconciliation post divorce. I can tell you that if he suddenly snapped into reality and changed his mind today - I would probably still pursue divorce for the time being.
Here's why. Look - I've done plenty of soul searching about the marriage. Yes - I made mistakes, yes I have areas that I can improve in and yes I probably contributed to 50% of the issues in the marriage. That being said - none of these issues should have been marriage killers. I started DB to be a woman he would be a fool to leave and to be the better option. The truth is he is already a fool and I have always been the better option.
I did not marry a grown up. Let me give an illustration. STBX started his current job a little over a year ago. At first he loved it - rural county, beautiful scenery etc. Then he came home one night absolutely furious. He had been written up because the dept has a rule that if the patrol car's gas tank is under 75% full you have to fill it up at the end of your shift. He turned his in at 70%. The Sergeant who wrote him up was an ex-military guy. I remember hearing that story and thinking - "Well - now you know - these are rules, not guidelines, and they want you to follow them. Lesson learned." Don't most of us have things like that happen to us at work - and we get over them? Since that time, he has wailed non-stop about how he despises that agency, and all the ex-military people in it. Um- I'm pretty sure that most law enforcement agencies have a lot of ex-military in them. If that's what you want to do - you need to learn to work with them.
We talk about "standing for the marriage". Here's the thing - to me marriage is a promise to build a life together, and implicit in that promise is the idea that you will work through problems together (short of abuse). My husband has absolutely shredded this - he has left the life we built together while making no attempt to work on the issues. I took those vows seriously, I believe in richer, poorer, in sickness and in health. I've tried to persuade myself that STBX is suffering from a sickness - and maybe he is - but the truth is that he did make some conscious decisions here.
Therefore, I'm not so much standing for the marriage as I am standing for my family. I'm GAL and working for a PMA - but at the moment - it's for my own mental health and to help me be a great Mom. I'm not entering into any new relationships, because I know that right now I am starved for affection, and in a vulnerable place. STBX would need to do a lot of his own work for us to re-establish a marriage and at the moment I don't see many signs of that happening. And I'm too much of a realist to think that it will happen in the next 6 months before the divorce is final.
Truthfully - I worry about STBX. We've all seen the statistics about affair relationships. What happens if/when it ends? He'll have no place to live, no financial cushion and few friends. He'll still be stuck at a job that he hates (I don't think he could pass a background check with another agency anymore - they do interview ex spouses and I won't lie for him), he's alienated his family and thrown away our life.
