She says that she is back and forth saying it will be OK, wanting the best for our kids and me but has not seen her feelings change over the last three months.
Have you read The Five Love Languages by Gary D Chapman? It is often recommended on this board and I'm halfway through it. (It's likely where sandi2 took the concept of the "love tank" above) I've already learned a lot about how I can show love in ways that my partner will understand. The premise of the books is that people speak different languages and that you need to speak your spouse's so that she can hear you. By the sound of your sitch, it might make a difference.
Last edited by Mozza; 10/29/1402:45 PM.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I have read the DR book (and reread)I have not read the love languages but have researched it. We both wanted counseling, I chose DB and Denise. She does not know about these posts, I write at work.
She is financially stable (nurse) as am I (professor), I meant that I would support her decision emotionally if she thought that it would help her clear her mind (and bring her back to me and her family).
The kids do not know, I would imagine that they would stay 1 week with her and then I (as I suggested she get a appt across the street). I believe that she would be gone already if she did not want to be seen as the one not working on the marriage in front of the kids. She suggested that we "switch out" with the appt to which I rejected as I wholeheartedly disbelieve in it and want to stay in the same house in the same bed to talk and work things out (although it has been over 3 months and it does not seem to be working). She is probably going to move out in the next month if my intuition is right.
I do not know for sure if there is a OM. I believe that she has a emotional attachment with him but she refutes (the way she refutes makes be believe that there is...but it may just be me). I saw him last night at a soccer practice and was going to confront him (I am thinking of calling him today or tomorrow). BUT...I do not pick up that he knows. I do not know if this is a good idea - PLEASE ADVISE. I want to ask if there has been anything between him and my W and to let him know that she is going through a hard time and to stay away...but am unsure. He is a "friend" of the family, coached my youngest son this season and is divorced. He seems like a nice guy.
I know that the ultimatum is not a good choice, but am reaching my end...it is so hard not to tough and hold her when she initiates it (or when I do). She has slept in the spare bedroom for 6-8 nights but returns when questioned by one of our kids, by herself, or by my request.
I (we) do not want to involve lawyers through any of this process. I hate the thought.
My 180 has been to return to the gym for the last 3 months (I am stronger and leaner than ever...200 to 178), I showed her all the affection and love that I have been denying her, tried to talk to her as a friend, tried to do events with individuals that complement us, stopped drinking (it was predominantly social with her...now I have returned to having a beer with her at night as this was not a issue for her). And I will attend a DivorceCare meeting tonight at 6. These previous changes negatively affected her behavior so I stopped and withdrew, to which she reached out to me but then stopped. She has stated things like "you are a good person"..."thanks for trying so hard to save this marriage"..."thanks for being good to me" but does not seem to want to reciprocate.
I walk the line between wanting to do nice things for her (rub her feet, make dinner, plant mums, housework, pack her lunch) but know that it is pursuing...I am so confused on what to do. Our DB coach told me to mimic her hug for a hug...kiss for a kiss...ect but it does not seem to be getting anywhere. It is hard to "court" someone in this state...I wish I would have IDed it earlier.
Keep posting please, it helps me knowing that you are out there.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
These previous changes negatively affected her behavior so I stopped and withdrew
Would it be possible that you did not make these changes for yourself but for her? If so, she can smell it on you. Just imagine a colleague picking her wardrobe and topics of discussion just to please you. Wouldn't it be annoying rather than charming? We fall in love with people with integrity. The idea that they just try to guess what we want is off-putting. You have to become a great man that any woman would want so that she sees it and wants to be the one who has you.
Remember: she's not in love with you anymore, so now it's bizarro world. Every "I love you" will push her away. Act with her the way that you would like an acquaintance to act with you. Any seduction effort will push her away at this stage. Try to remember the last time you dumped a woman and how you felt around her. Let her be attracted to you first.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
I saw him last night at a soccer practice and was going to confront him (I am thinking of calling him today or tomorrow).
You seem to know that it's not a good idea. Don't say anything to him you wouldn't say in front of your wife because he will report the whole thing anyway. Hopefully, others will have more advice on this.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
These previous changes negatively affected her behavior so I stopped and withdrew
Would it be possible that you did not make these changes for yourself but for her? If so, she can smell it on you. Just imagine a colleague picking her wardrobe and topics of discussion just to please you. Wouldn't it be annoying rather than charming? We fall in love with people with integrity. The idea that they just try to guess what we want is off-putting. You have to become a great man that any woman would want so that she sees it and wants to be the one who has you.
Remember: she's not in love with you anymore, so now it's bizarro world. Every "I love you" will push her away. Act with her the way that you would like an acquaintance to act with you. Any seduction effort will push her away at this stage. Try to remember the last time you dumped a woman and how you felt around her. Let her be attracted to you first.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
I saw him last night at a soccer practice and was going to confront him (I am thinking of calling him today or tomorrow).
You seem to know that it's not a good idea. Don't say anything to him you wouldn't say in front of your wife because he will report the whole thing anyway. Hopefully, others will have more advice on this.
More advice?? Why? Everything you said is spot-on!!
Starsky, who never, EVER saw a "foot-rubber" re-attract his wayward wife
Alright guys, thanks. We have a meeting in two weeks. I will cool it with her until then and continue to be genuine. Will not address the OP (if there is even one...AHHHH). Interestingly I was going to go to a Divorcecare meeting last night and she got upset stating that I should go with her and the kids to dinner and wait until it happens to attend the meetings
I replied "if" to which she stated..."you are the one that wants to attend a meeting for something that hasn't happened"....we laughed. Slept in the same bed last night, she touched me with her foot, I brought her coffee in the morning and she smiled. it was nice. I left without touching her when I said good-by.
What is the hardest right now for me is that I can see her moving out and getting on with my life...dating again...finding someone else...occupying myself with things that fullfill me....being OK with it eventually. I fully want her, love her and need her...I believe that we are right together and enjoyher company and personallity. I think she is smoking hot even though she thinks she isn't ("I'm fat")...She is not by the way. I love her eyes and smile when she remembers how happy we were...she looks at me the way that she used to even though she has forgot or is shutting it out right now. I simply lover her now more than ever...it is not fear-it was a eyeopener.
So I am in a bad spot - but either way I will be OK....eventually.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
We are in very simular situations my friend. My wife and I had a good night last night and I broght her coffee in bed which she liked. The funny thing it is easy and comforting to be with her even though she is in this state of change...
Stay in touch friend and let me know how it works out.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
Thanks Sandi2, Made love to my W last night. It went like this, your comments are appreciated. There has been a potential OM that I identified although I am not 100% sure. I was at a event different than her and my kids and she texted me that she was going to the divorced OM house with the kids to play and see some things on the farm (she stated later that he asked the kids and they were excited so decided to go. I finished the event and called her (and was going to go over) but she said that they were almost done. I told her that we were going to talk when she got home. I have addressed this before stating that I believe that there may be a emotional connection and the OM and it was a threat to our relationship and family (like 2-3 times). When she got home I was ready to close the door on the whole thing, and get on with my life - she rejected everything - saying things like "I didn't think that you would respond this way"..."I will never do that again without you"..."I am sorry that this hurt you but he is your friend too." My gut tells me one thing but other than how she acts (or how I presume she acts) I have no valid proof....if I did I would not recover and it would end. I was distant that night and she tried to catch my eye, followed me into other rooms, she drank too much. When we went to bed she initiated sex, I was going to refuse but hey.... Afterward she said that was confusing and is talking about space and professional help for herself. I stated that she needs to seek that out if it helps her be happy. So yea, I am disconnected if I want to be (I was ready to tell her to sleep in the other room if she wanted and I would not come to her, I was ready to tell her that I wanted her to sleep in the other room, I was ready to tell her to move out....these are not what I want and it will kill me but I need her to figure it out). I also told her that if she sleeps in our bed that I will reach out to her and hold her because I love her...so tough &*(# DB Last Resort rules...I am not fake and if she does not want it then she does not want it.
My anger of this situation is only suppressed by my love of her and my kids.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
When we went to bed she initiated sex, I was going to refuse but hey....
She initiates and immediately afterwards says it confused her?
Whenever an A is suspected, I suggest you be very careful about having unprotected sex.
Quote:
I also told her that if she sleeps in our bed that I will reach out to her and hold her because I love her...so tough &*(# DB Last Resort rules...I am not fake and if she does not want it then she does not want it.
So you see it as being fake?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No, I know it is a method to improve releations...but when I deny her and I also feel like I am denying me and us...
I do not believe A is occuring...
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
