Just to think out loud. i dont know if these are boundaries or not
- I dont bring alcohol home. My W has a drinking problem, this is all I can see thats currently in my power to support her getting help. its also good for me.
- I dont snoop on her phone. I have read some of her posts about our S on a private messageboard, but its been a few weeks.
- I dont ask W where she is going or when she will be back when she leaves the house. When she is out, I do not have an expectation of when she will be back, so Im not let down or inconvenienced
- I dont do Ws laundry. Typically I do about 90% of the laundry in the house. I no longer do hers, just separate it out and leave it by the washer in the basement.
- I will pick up things at the store that W requests, but I keep this relatively small. Sometimes I do buy her small things that I know she likes and is probably afraid to ask me for. I do not buy her alcohol (though i got kinda tricked into that a few weeks ago)
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Well, crash course in boundary setting? One of my best friends from 1000 miles away is passing thru town tonight and staying for the night, just for a few hours really. I let W know this morning. She knows he's pretty filled in on the sitch (she also loves him, he's my tightest bud and the kind of guy everyone loves to be with), so I knew this would be awkward. I honestly thought she would just leave for the night, though I'd never suggest it. When I got home from work, she asked me if she thought she should stay and see him. I told her it was up to her. "But doesn't he hate me?" "W, nobody hates you." "But he knows about what's going on right?" I removed myself from the conversation. About a half hour later, I said "I want nothing more than for us all to be able to hang out. But the fact that we can't is not because of me." W looked confused, "what do you mean?" "The reason you don't feel comfortable with him is not because of what Ive talked with him about. It's because of your decision." She nodded. "And when you make me feel like I am responsible for you feeling bad or awkward, it hurts my feelings, and makes me feel like the bad guy." She nodded. Then she said "I just don't like anyone ever thinking bad of me." I wanted to say "then don't do bad things" but I just said "I understand that."
Boundary set?
Also, when I got home I asked her if she heard back from S6s teacher, she said no response yet. I said "the only thing I can think of is that he said something to her." W looked utterly incredulous. "Why would he say anything? What would he say?" She acted like I'd just told her the sky was orange. Later on, she said she heard back from the teacher, and that the letter had simply been put in his mailbox by mistake (??? This still seems really weird to me) She gave me an I told you so look, and I said "what was that for" and she said "maybe he told her" in a mocking tone, imitating me from earlier. I let it drop. I have no idea how to confront her complete denial on this.
Well friend will be here soon and I'll have an evenings respite.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Good night. W left to meet BFF for dinner just before friend got to town. We hung out for a good while, then talked about sitch. I explained to him that W wanted to see him but was scared he hated her. He said he was stressed about seeing her and didn't know how to act. I explained to him briefly my approach to her, friendly neighbor, PMA etc, and reiterated that it would mean a lot to her, everything about our M/S aside, if they got to just chat and catch up for a little while. I was worried she just wouldn't come home, to avoid seeing him, and I wanted her to feel like she had a choice. So I texted her that friend would love to see her for a bit, and she came home with her BFF. We all had friendly chat for about 20 minutes, before friend and I walked down the block for a drink. "I see what you're doing now" he said afterward "I understand your approach." I explained to him that the idea is to show myself happy and comfortable in my life, to show her what she's missing, and how just avoiding or shutting her out or having a cold awkward convo would not accomplish that.
So I had a nice night with a good friend, and also demonstrated some healthy PMA to wife. Coupled with my boundary setting early on, I feel good about the night.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
About a half hour later, I said "I want nothing more than for us all to be able to hang out. But the fact that we can't is not because of me." W looked confused, "what do you mean?" "The reason you don't feel comfortable with him is not because of what Ive talked with him about. It's because of your decision." She nodded. "And when you make me feel like I am responsible for you feeling bad or awkward, it hurts my feelings, and makes me feel like the bad guy." She nodded. Then she said "I just don't like anyone ever thinking bad of me." I wanted to say "then don't do bad things" but I just said "I understand that."
Boundary set?
Maybe. Do you think she understood you were drawing a line in the sand? You threw some truth darts at her and told her how she made you feel. You got part of it down, anyway.
My question is how are you using a boundary here? A boundary protects you from something you will not tolerate. You obviously don't like it when she tries to make you feel responsible for her being uncomfortable. You have confronted her and told her how it makes you feel.
Sometimes it's not enough to just tell a person how their actions makes us feel. Especially when it is a man to woman situation, he can't afford to sound as if she weakens him. Sometimes we have to state what we will do if that boundary is violated. But whether the action is stated or not, you have to be prepared to follow through with some type of action if she continues to do what she now knows you don't appreciate.
I applaud you for speaking up about it. It's a beginning.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sometimes it's hard to know how/where to draw the line.
But it's not our responsibility to manage their uncomfortable feelings. Part of them learning and growing is for them to take responsibility for how they deal with life.
It's like the culture of "educate yourself so you never offend anyone unintentionally". Everyone *should* know that this and that is offensive...
That's all well and good, and I think it is important to be sensitive to people and their needs. Learning proper terminology and educating yourself on people who are not like ourselves.
Does that mean that we need to take the heat if we "offend" someone with a well-meant comment or action?
At some point, the "offense" lies with them. We can't expect the world to cater to us and to prevent our feelings from getting hurt. As adults it's our job to educate others on how we would like to be treated.
Having that little interaction with your W is interesting, and it sounds as though you injected a little reality there.
Her feelings are her business.
You just keep carrying on being true to your values, being civil, considerate, personable, and reliable. That's all you really need to do.
The degree of "friendliness" is something that seems to vary in every sitch. You want to be warm, but not over-involved, and don't rescue her from the natural consequences of her actions. If you don't feel like being friendly, don't be. But don't be her "friend" either. Like they say around here, "Be friendly like a neighbor." That's ALL she gets from you.
Let LIFE teach her what you cannot.
If you don't want to be around her, then don't be. Hold your head high and move forward. She has her own decisions to make.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
