Is it too late?

[GoatGal]

Gwen,

I can say that whether I stay married or not, the skills I have learned here have helped me in my interactions with everyone, and I believe I am a better person for it.

Hang in there and do this for you.
The process of DBing is important for you as a person in so many ways.

If you get to R, great. If not, then you will have a really good understanding of what it takes to have a terrific R in the future.
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Here we are learning about relationships, ourselves, facing our flaws and identifying and building on our strengths.

We have to take the focus off our spouses because we can't control what they do, how they feel, and what the future holds.

We can, however, take charge of ourselves and face the uncertain road ahead with less fear and more confidence in our abilities.

After all, these circumstances are about as awful as it gets. If nothing else, this shows all of us that we are stronger than we think.
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There is light at the end of the tunnel, but whether you end up in the Swiss Alps, the Australian Outback, or the middle of Hoboken is something you can't know.

DBing is like your set of luggage. It's empty right now, and here you're learning what you need to take with you on your journey.
And also what to leave behind because it weighs you down, doesn't fit any more (if, like most of us you've been on the Infidelity/MLC/WAS diet!), and what doesn't suit your newfound self.

Maybe you discover you want to wear tie-dye peasant dresses and gypsy shawls, or a tote around a Ukulele while trekking in fancy hiking boots.
For sure you'll bring your kids if you have them, and some friends and family members will want to travel with you. Not all of them do, unfortunately.

Maybe your spouse wants to come along, at least part of the way, or maybe you'll meet up at a scenic overlook somewhere down the road. Maybe you'll even set up a designated time and place to meet. So it's best to be prepared for that too.

You'll learn what to pack so you'll be able to enjoy the scenery wherever you might end up.

And know this: The scenery is going to be great if you can really SEE it.
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You're still YOU. You still get to make your own happiness in this life and you are not "only" half of Mr. and Mrs.

I hear stories on both sides. People that save their marriages and those who move forward and find a new life.

I can tell you that in the end, whether or not you'll be happy is totally up to you.

As my friend, 45, who recently fell in love again with a great guy after her a$$hat of a husband betrayed her horribly, so happily said just last week:

"I thought I was done. That I was going to end up alone. But then... along came Mike. He is so much better for me than my H ever was. So--it's my happy ending!"


Oh, and her H who just had to throw her under the bus?

He's stuck in a R with a crazy, bi-polar, unemployed gold-digger and her brood of disrespectful kids. And he's bleeding money.

Nope. He's not "happy" and at this point, he knows what he lost.
A beautiful, caring, smart, vivacious woman who should have never wasted her time on him and his antics.

As for the new guy, Mike? We all know him and think he's the luckiest guy we know. He's stand-up, sweet, and clearly adores my friend.

And Mike, in contrast to her XH, can't believe his good fortune-- that this wonderful woman has fallen for him.
He values this R as the prize it really is, because he understands how rare it is to find someone like my friend.


DBing is for you. I hope you keep on posting and keep on busting!


---(G)GGG


PS: Whether or not you seek a separation is totally up to you. At some point you must preserve your sanity. I know for myself I could not stay under the same roof with my H after he filed, and with the lack of empathy he had for me. It was better for BOTH of us that we did not cohabit.

However, everyone's sitch is different. Pushing forward with legal proceedings can work either way. There is great advice on here, but it is not "one size fits all." You need to do what works for you, what fits with your values, and what best protects yourself, your well-being, and that of your family.

At some point, you need to do what's best for you, even if that's not what's best for the R.

Your H is a grown man. He'll either "get it" or he won't. You can't make him do it either way.

Just be sure your actions come from a place of reason and are well-thought out. Your goal should be self-preservation and peace, not punishment, fear, or avoidance. If you evaluate your actions from this stance, things will be clearer for you.