I really don't have the best advice for you. My DB efforts didn't work. All I can share is what didn't work for me and extrapolate. I'm like a red-flag on how NOT to save your marriage.
Why did YOU move out when your husband is having an affair? For your sanity? Why didn't he move out?
Aside from that, I think you are taking healthy steps and setting clear boundaries. I've just checked out Project Happily Ever After -- seems decent enough.
I think that the reason I love Chump Lady a lot is that she's like a cold splash of water in the face. She admits she's not very hopeful about genuine reconciliations. Yet she does think it's possible, but she thinks that usually comes from hard-line actions like ultimatums, seeing a lawyer, filing for divorce, etc -- which in some senses forces the cheater/wayward spouse to confront the consequences of their actions. I think Divorce Busting advocates those actions, too, but only after other things have been tried. The problem, however, is that on these boards, the tendency has been to linger in limbo for so long that person being cheated on eventually gets emotionally, physically and financially drained by the affair. In addition, the cheater begins to lose respect for their spouse when they see that their infidelity gets rewarded with a "new and improved" happy spouse (fresh from 180's and GAL-ing) who is all too eager to reconcile. I think the "new and improved" routine only really works when you are really doing for yourself (to maintain sanity) AND with some sort of detachment (meaning they are beginning to wonder what they might be losing out on).
I think you are doing this well, Toots. Only you can decide how much time you want to give your husband to decide what he wants.
My personal experience plus what I've seen on the DB boards lends me to think that in many cases a more hard-line approach would have created a greater sense of respect and attraction of the cheater for the left-behind-spouse. I think the book the Divorce Remedy has provisions for hard-line approaches, but they tend to get side-stepped on these boards if it were not for Starsky. ;-)
