i can't believe you refer to tingler - we watched that lame old thing a few weeks ago=- and i was wondering who in the world (beside us) would watch such a werid old thing - ta da - you. (and me) ha/!
anyway- idk- too litle sleep last nite- so blue morning here. I have no faith at all this morning (that anything here will "turn out okay". merely that i am staving off the "end". (for a bit longer) dreary tho ught huh?.
wow - 30 lb. i was alot lighter when this first happened - past ;year i've gained back 10 or 15 lb and need to get it back off (my pants don't fit) and i'm not buying new cloths.
i can't eat or sleep properly. I KNOW & BELIEVE you about stress on a long range basis. But just knowing something and aggreeing with it - does not seem to actually make it change.
i worry a bit about the long-range effects of stress. - have lost some hair - it makes me walk alot- exercise does seem to help defuse me- so i've got that going on. idk- what the heck does one do but plunge forward and do "what ya gotta do" (this estate & selling 2 houses - dealing with the players)_ - i don't know. it's a "job i've got and it's got to be acco mplished.
much like h and his mlc- i have soooo long and soooo much misery gone thru- it seems a shame to "give up" - tho i don't have much light at the end of that tunnel really.
i think h thinks he "has it all" now, and it'll go on like this forever. (HOLY crappola huh?!!)
h is writing e-mails to me yesterday and today. , i am not responding. he called here yesterday sometime- i didn't return call. he was w/ ow over the weekend- and i just feel tired and disgusted by him. I cannot think of one thing in the world i want to talk to him about- certainly not share my life with him. i just can't talk to him -
I'm grossed out by him - in a quiet and tranquil way,. not big "emotional" junk . -
by thursday - he was all calling (more than once a day, and asking questions and "acting interested" before he went to see her , or she came to (our) his house. (ick ick ick - thinking of that cow laying on my side of the bed) . i could tell as usual - what a jerk he is to not see himself and how he acts. - he's all "wagging his tail" and happy and obviously thinks i don't notice, i don't think he notices at all (no kidding- lame man) that he does it- gets "nice", and solicitous and chatty and cheerful and keeps conversation going (which in and of itself is soooo unlike him - in generaL).
I talked to my three sisters yesterda;y (always anxiety filled - one is violent anger prone - one is aggressively braggie & needy of praise (for things she is not and hasn't really done) and other is agreeable pretty much (tho has told me i am stealing from them all !!??) and all have tons of ideas and advice how ican "do better" yet, never time to actually help with getting this house cleaned out or estate issues done.'
I am surrounded by people who have not one single shred of self-awareness. no kidding. makes me feel crazy- who are these people? and how the heck do they preach and preen about things they "think" they are and do - and not see that the truth (objectively) is the opposite. I cannot believe my world at this time. One of them (anger girl) keeps saying if someone (me obviou sly) is at odds with everyone around them , then what's the common denominator? themselves - look at self for problem .
here's the kicker - then she carries on about fighting with her boss at work (last 10 yrs or so!!)_ and everyone else around her - helllloooooooo - .
she (&older sis) tell me(alot) that everything is "equal" now that mom is dead. yeah- rite - no body helped or visited or could be bothered - at all or much for past 20 yrs except me, and all of a sudden - now that she's dead - we're allll "equal" and have done equal for her - and are now (????) doing equal.... (of course tho, on daily basis - they are alll busy with their lives and are not here AT ALL) ever, & two are soooo mad they won't get more $$... it's nuts
i have no idea where these people came from?
In general h is much nicer, etc this year across the board - HOWEVER, It is incredibly discouraging to know & see that what really makes him happy in life- is his exciting "adventures" of sexting and seeing ow. that is that. new & fun sex is "love" ap parently - and old familiar person "he cares a great deal about" , cough, vomit, etc. is pooh.
I do not look forward to being very darn lonely & very darn poor ( i do not think he will give me or sell me his half of house cheaply) - i do not like the idea that nobody will be in my life - "there" for me (even partly) -
the girl next door - (who actually (intuitively) db'd for about f ive years (her h had an 0w - kicked her out of house for three years!, then she finally said she missed her home and moved back in - and he left for awhile- then somehow he figured out that he and ow were not "the best idea" and they reconciled) - was saying last nite she never gave up because the question to be answered was " what would make you more unhappy- staying or going. she always felt "going" would.
i feel that way too. I just feel disgusted because, honestly, it's all disgusting and his "niceness" doesn't really give me alot ,. idk why- i'm glad he's alot nicer and waaayu better to be around (doesn't treet me like i have a serious communicable disease anymore) BUT - i'm starving here for being and feeling loved i guess -
okay- i'm going to quit whining and go get busy. i have gal best i can - short of assuming a false & bs identity tht is not me. working is good (hadn't done that in 20 years). lots of act ivities with some good friends w hen he's gone-
HOWEVER - IT DOESN'T fool me into thinking i have a greatlife.
i have lots and lots to be grateful for- i know it. happyu tho?
not so much- oh well huh? as far as fear - i have a bit of trepidations. But honestly, i do believe I and everyone do and can do, what we HAVE TO, when the time comes. I don't think things like this(D - LE AVING - ULTIMATUMS) are the sort of things one does for our image - or to make a point, or takes on one minute before it's totally thrust upon us (or why else would we even be trying to "fight the good fight?" AND DB IF it wasn't something very important in our lives - that otehr person :& the R)??) - BUT -
o h well, now i really am out of here. i'll just make myself feel worst if I don't shove it out of my mind and get on with today.
xxoo - maybe more c offee???? sorry for long rant- you were the first guy so ka blam.....
