Maybell XVII

[GoatGal]

Maybell,

I know hearing about your H's flirting antics has got to sting.
How could it not?

This will test your skill at re-framing his actions to reflect your knowledge that IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

You know you shouldn't take it personally.

At this point he is thinking of nothing but himself and his own happiness. He's grasping at straws. Maybe he will wake up one day, maybe he won't. But either way, it's not about you, although I know it feels like it.

(Now, if I could just take my own advice on that! )
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Meanwhile, this would be the perfect time to get back to your "Gratitude Thread"!

I try and do this myself every morning when I catch myself dreading what another day might bring.
So--- right before I throw up after the latest nightmare, this is what I review in my mind.
(Okay, so there are more things but I'm limiting it to ten. One of the "more things" were some really incredible dreams about a wonderful future which included some serious romance with someone new... that's nice for a change.)

1. I am grateful for everyone on this board. I am alone most of the time and with you guys I don't feel so isolated.

2. I am grateful for my own adaptability. I learn, I grow, I get better. I have overcome many obstacles in my life. For example, people who meet me now would never suspect that I have Asperger's or ADD. That speaks volumes about how MUCH I have improved my social skills. Of course, now I have people who think I'm making it up.

3. I am grateful for my old and new friends who have been so supportive of me during this time. Granted, I don't always agree with their advice, but I know their hearts are in the right place. I know they care about me and value me as a person.

4. I am grateful that H has not been as hellacious as some other spouses I've read about. He's pretty tame by comparison.

5. I am grateful that I have the freedom to pursue my passions, that I still have a working vehicle, a roof over my head, money to buy groceries/pet food, and Netflix. I do not want financially and I do appreciate that H has kept this going for me, if nothing else.

6. I am grateful for the unconditional love of my animals. They are always there adoring me for just being alive. They give me the physical affection I have been lacking otherwise. To them--I AM a GODDESS!

7. I am grateful for good health. I do suffer from some ailments but it's nothing life-threatening. More chronic pain... but in that vein, I am GRATEFUL FOR GOOD DRUGS! Chemistry has allowed me to sleep, to eat, and to ease the incredible anxiety I've felt for over a year now.

8. I am grateful for being adopted by parents who, although they were not perfect, instilled in me a sense of myself as a person of value, and who allowed me to be me.
I learned to learn, to be curious, to question, and to stretch myself. They exposed me to many things and taught me to think for myself.
As an ugly-duckling, socially awkward, Asperger-y Smarty-Pants, Fat, Bucktoothed NERD, my mother somehow made me believe I was beautiful. Because she saw me that way.

So many years later, people see me as "beautiful". Which astounds me.
But I think it's that my "inner beauty" that projects outward. I'm no fashion model.
But at my last dance weekend, a young (HOT!!!!) guy was just sitting on the sidelines and he said, very quietly:
"My god. I just LOVE... watching you dance!"
(Under other circumstances, I might have asked him to tell me more about this... but I am GRATEFUL for the good sense to know when to walk away. )
But hot guy aside, I get this comment all the time. For which I am grateful, even though my dancing is about me feeling good, not about looking good, but hey, I'll take it!

9. So---I am grateful that I can still KICK ASS on the dance floor, in the DJ booth, on stage, and in the recording studio. WHOOP! WHOOP!! (Hands in the air!!!!) And I know I'm not close to done. I'm still learning and doing more every day. I'll quit when I'm dead.

10. I am grateful that my regrets in this life are few. That I learn from my mistakes. That I take things to heart. That my life (hopefully) still has enough days left to make the most of what I'm learning EVERY. DARN. DAY. That when the end comes, I can say "I did the best I could. And you know? It was pretty impressive!"

Better days to come, Maybell. BELIEVE IT.


Your Pal,

The Goat Gal