So, you are doing some good stuff. I think you need to dig in deep here. What was your childhood like? We often do what we know. It becomes our comfort zone.
Oh this is a big question, Urworthy. I've mentioned it before in earlier posts but suffice it to say, my childhood is a petri dish of dysfunction.
My mother abused the crap out of the three of us. My swim coach saw bruises on my neck in high school and reported my mom to DCS. Four months later she threatened to kill me and I believed her. DCS "detained" me from the home but left my little brother (my older brother was 18 and therefore not part of the case) at home. I lived in foster care for 8 months, a group home for a year (where there wasn't enough food and what food there was had bugs in it) and then lived with my swim coaches for my senior year. At the end of my junior year my little brother told me (we had to meet in secret to talk because my mom wouldn't allow him to communicate with me) they were moving back to Georgia and left me in CA. Alone.
My father was charged with neglect at the same time my mother was charged with abuse.
My mom has borderline personality disorder (think Mommy Dearest times 10 - no exaggeration), is a raging narcissist, is a recovering alcoholic and compulsive liar. It has also been said by a couple therapists that she suffers from paranoia and multiple personality disorder.
In the end it doesn't matter because she refused medication which is why the courts wouldn't allow me to move back home.
We were in "family reunification therapy" as required by the court. She befriended the therapist and they hung out and went to the movies on the weekends. That's just how she is. Incredibly brilliant (she is a chemistry professor), hilarious, interesting and fun to be around... when she's not beating her children for not cleaning the refrigerator properly at age 6.
Anyway, yes, I've been in extensive therapy for years for all that. It's no longer painful but it was my foundation.
I am generally pretty good at stopping myself when I start sounding like my mom, even a little bit. I'll rephrase or change my tone and then later address the internal feelings of angst, frustration, anxiety, etc.
Strangely, while I have never laid a hand on my D and never will because of my childhood and breaking the chain of abuse and all that...
... I fear I instead verbally abused my husband and look where that has landed me.
