I genuinely am trying to let him figure out his stuff. I'm leaving him alone to do it. This doesn't mean that I trust he WILL do it but I'm leaving him alone to do it. Baby steps, right?
Me? What do I need to change? Where does one begin when the list is so long?
I was a condescending shrew of a wife. I was resentful and frustrated with lots of unmet needs. I also wasn't very good at meeting his and we had a terrible SSM. I was critical and unempathetic, didn't love him the way he needs to be loved and wasn't very respectful.
What am I doing about changing these things, uRworthy?
I am getting to the root of my reactive communication problem. I am working through resentment by finding MY ROLE in it. I am owning my faults with NO excuses and NO "but he"s added to them. I am learning patience and acceptance of others as well as myself. I am learning to lean into the discomfort (this is so, so hard) and find peace somewhere in it. I am finding my values and why I struggle with upholding them when faced with people who disagree with me. I am learning that I have value outside of "what I bring to the table".
I am reading. A lot.
I am journaling. A lot.
I am asking the universe to guide me.
I am trying to hold my own hand through this, locate my big girl panties and with hope, never end up on the floor next to the vacuum again.
I am being the best mom I know how to be given the circumstances.
I am sitting with all the icky stuff inside me and observing it.
What else? Any insight on any of that? Any guidance?
On a very separate note:
I just had an incredible frustrating morning. D dawdles in the morning when she should be getting dressed so it takes forever (ok, not forever but about 30 minutes longer than it should given she wears a uniform to school). I got into it with her about that and then immediately felt guilty becuase I hated going to school after having been read the riot act by my mother as a kid.
I loathed it. I dreaded it. I was afraid to go home.
I don't want that for her and the guilt is eating me. Ugh. I apologized while we were on our way to school and asked for her help in coming up with ways to speed up her dressing process but I still feel terrible for how I initially handled the whole thing.
THEN, I came home to get ready for my IC appointment and somehow dropped my phone into the toilet. Yep. It was a clean bowl but I found myself reaching right in and dashing to a bag of rice. It worked enough for the phone to turn on and for me to back it up but yeah.
Then I cried through my IC session. My IC is great. A little clinical but very sensitive and encouraging. She is also stumped by H's "I miss D" and "sure! move to Norcal!" as well as his staunch closed heart.
I had an hour before my DB coaching session to get home, back up my phone (which seemed to work) and see if my phone would work enough for me to make that call. It turned on but I couldn't make a call, send or receive texts. I know no one who was home so I could use their phone. Ugh.
So I missed my DB coaching session.
I got in the car to head to the apple store and it took me an HOUR to go 4 exits because there was a fatality accident. I thought my day was going poorly... turns out someone else's was worse.
Got to the Apple store and after about 45 minutes of waiting (I didn't have an appointment) I now have a new phone but after restoring it on my desktop it is showing "recent texts" from August 2013. Um. That's not recent and I've backed up monthly since then. Great. Just lovely.
Luckily I'm alive, D is well and I have you folks. Phones don't matter that much in the scheme of things and I am not dead on the side of the freeway.
