Mr Bond - I do appreciate your input. I feel as though I haven't been clear.
"When you wanted to do it, it wasn't seen as an A, but now your W wants to do it and you're saying it's adultery."
My W was the first of the two of us to have an extra-marital relationship. Through discussion, and eventually consent from both of us, she began a physical relationship with a woman. This lasted on and off for about 2 years. Because of other issues in my W's past, this was a part of her sexuality she had denied and never explored.
Was this a good idea for our M? Probably not. But we agreed, and I consented.
She encouraged me, because of my higher desire sexually, to also develop a physical relationship, with a woman, outside of our marriage. I resisted for a while. Then tested the waters with a few dates, and nothing of ill consequence happened. I then developed a relationship with one woman, with my W's full knowledge and consent.
The issue my W eventually had with it, was the emotional closeness in that relationship.
I hurt her by not listening to her and dismissing her fears.
She then used that hurt to justify having a secret, hidden, lied about, PA with a man, without my knowledge or consent.
My reaction to that was not good. Although, I immediately ended all contact with the woman I was seeing. And asked that neither of us continue to do anything that would further damage our marriage.
She did not, and instead began communicating with and dating several men.
Does this help to clarify this situation?
I am not in denial about my actions or what I have done. I am listening, and weighing the advice I have received here, although I think the facts have been miscommunicated.
Prior to all of this, my W has at 4+ different times over the years, had inappropriate communications with other men, far before we ever had an alternative relationship. I had transgressed once before that with online communications.
So, please, tell me if you believe I am wrong. I feel it is more accurate that my M has been plagued with repeated infidelities of varying degrees, by both of us.
I, in no way, am trying to control perceptions, or downplay my responsibility in my M. It's not a matter of controlling how people see my sitch, it's that the way it is being perceived is factually incorrect.
